theme song.

excuse me while i post this here. i need some affirmation (change is hard.)

regrets collect like old friends/ here to relive your darkest moments/

i can see no way, i can see no way/ and all of the ghouls come out to play/

and every demon wants his pound of flesh/ but i like to keep some things to myself/

i like to keep my issues strong/ it's always darkest before the dawn/

and i've been a fool and i've been blind/ i can never leave the past behind/

i can see no way, i can see no way/ i'm always dragging that horse around/

all of these questions, such a mournful sound/ tonight i'm gonna bury that horse in the ground/

'cause i like to keep my issues strong/ but it's always darkest before the dawn/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back/ so shake him off, oh woah/

and i am done with my graceless heart/ so tonight i'm gonna cut it out and then restart/

'cause i like to keep my issues strong/ it's always darkest before the dawn/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back/ so shake him off, oh woah/

and it's hard to dance with the devil on your back (shake it out)/

given half the chance would i take any of it back? (shake it out)/

it's a fine romance but it's left me so undone (shake it out)/

it's always darkest before the dawn (shake it out)/ oh woah...

and i'm damned if i do, and i'm damned if i don't/ so here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope/

and i'm ready to suffer and i'm ready to hope/ it's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat/

'cause looking for heaven found a devil in me/ looking for heaven found a devil in me/

but what the hell, i'm gonna let it happen to me/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, oh woah/

and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back/ so shake him off, oh woah/

baby steps.

i called a chiropractor.
i called a therapist.
i'm going back to weight watchers.

i will not let my old habits suck me in.
i will not let my usual methods of coping get the better of me and my progress.

i will not go backwards.

back to therapy?

feeling as good as i have, it seems weird that i want to find a therapist again. after so many years of keeping track of my emotions here, i know that the self-sabotage always follows the positive build-up. i so want to avoid it this time. and i can feel it, breathing down my neck. i can feel the pull of my old habits - the isolation, the weekends of doing nothing.

i miss my support group. as far as i can tell, there isn't one here. in a way, they were my therapists. i miss the conversation.

visits and epiphanies.

i had two weekends in a row of houseguests: my dad's family, and then my oldest friend. i stressed myself out to the point of ridiculousness over both of them, but somehow managed to get through it. don't get me wrong - i love them all dearly, but it was the first time i'd had visitors down here and i am still "settling", in a way. i still love my weekends and frankly, my alone time. i had neither for two weeks in a row. no wonder my back gave out and i've had spasms ever since. (no. sadly, i'm not kidding.)

so weird to have people come "visit". that was a new sensation. also so weird to be "hosting" along with my brother and his wife. i felt weirdly adult-like. i also felt... like this is really home. this is where i want to be. i didn't feel homesick for them all. i didn't feel upset when they left. i felt... nothing. nothing except relief that it all went well, everyone's flights made it, and no one had a miserable time.

on the other hand, i'm pretty exhausted, and wicked excited for a quiet, lone weekend.