so what do you do when you finally achieve your goals? it's been an intense month and a half. i have finally been promoted. i have been given the vindication, and the validation i needed. i have done what i set out to do, professionally. i go to work, and go about my day like someone with normalcy.
you'd expect i'd find some kind of peace.
what i've found, instead, is a hole. a vacuum of substance. with the all-consuming angst and uncertainty gone, i've found that all the energy and emotion i spent on my frustration has been turned into an empty vat of nothingness. i am woefully alone in the universe. i exist for my job. and it's a lonely thing to deal with.
without all the noise in my head, i feel almost... bored.
my mother's birthday was the other week. in the vast craziness of learning my new job some more, i completely forgot the date. i didn't realize until i spoke to my aunt and she asked, "so have you heard from her...?"
no, i haven't heard from her. no, i didn't call her for her birthday. no, i didn't spend her birthday screaming at fate for taking her away from me. no, i didn't have the cops at my house at all, or receive yet another crazy letter in the mail.
no, i haven't heard from her. but my conscious has been screaming her name in my head ever since. her voice and face have been invading my thoughts every moment since. for every time i think i've conquered some huge part of this, there's another when i realize that this will never be over. this drama will play out for the rest of my life, whether she's a part of it or not.
