back to therapy?

feeling as good as i have, it seems weird that i want to find a therapist again. after so many years of keeping track of my emotions here, i know that the self-sabotage always follows the positive build-up. i so want to avoid it this time. and i can feel it, breathing down my neck. i can feel the pull of my old habits - the isolation, the weekends of doing nothing.

i miss my support group. as far as i can tell, there isn't one here. in a way, they were my therapists. i miss the conversation.

visits and epiphanies.

i had two weekends in a row of houseguests: my dad's family, and then my oldest friend. i stressed myself out to the point of ridiculousness over both of them, but somehow managed to get through it. don't get me wrong - i love them all dearly, but it was the first time i'd had visitors down here and i am still "settling", in a way. i still love my weekends and frankly, my alone time. i had neither for two weeks in a row. no wonder my back gave out and i've had spasms ever since. (no. sadly, i'm not kidding.)

so weird to have people come "visit". that was a new sensation. also so weird to be "hosting" along with my brother and his wife. i felt weirdly adult-like. i also felt... like this is really home. this is where i want to be. i didn't feel homesick for them all. i didn't feel upset when they left. i felt... nothing. nothing except relief that it all went well, everyone's flights made it, and no one had a miserable time.

on the other hand, i'm pretty exhausted, and wicked excited for a quiet, lone weekend.

i overreacted a bit.

i don't know who the call was from. after talking to my brother, the call i got wasn't from the right area code. which means i freaked out and lost my cool over nothing.

i guess it shows that there are some feelings that are still very, very raw. if she ever really does call me from this point forward, i'll try to handle it better.

i will handle it better.

how did she find me?

it took all my strength not to lose it today... she found my phone number. someone, somewhere, gave her my unlisted phone number that has been out of her reach for 4 years. i want to scream. punch a wall. cry in a heap. smack someone. i was free. FREE! free from the drama, and the fear of phone calls. fear of hearing it ring. hearing it at 3 in the morning. having a daily reminder of her illness.

and i don't want to change my number again... it's been so nice to just have one number and not worry about this again.

i can't possibly put the rage i'm feeling into this post. it scares me. it scares me that i have to deal with it again, and make a decision to either change my number, or actually answer one of her phone calls to tell her the next time she calls, i'll consider it harassment.

save me from all this drama. i have been free of it for so many months, and i'm in such a good place mentally. as always, ALWAYS, she comes back to fuck it up just when i'm feeling free from all the shackles of guilt, anger, and shame. just once, ONCE, i want to move on with my life without fear of her interference.

it's never going to be easy. it's never going to be the life i need to heal. she's always going to just force herself back in. i hate her.

it's a quiet revolution.

i don't think i'll be able to really make this entry make any sense. i've really been searching for reasons why i'm so much happier here. when i moved from ny, i was tired of my routine. i was at a stalemate. i was living in a place for my job, with no friends or family nearby. everyone was an hour away. i was bored. i was tired of my life existing for only work. i was tired of my life being a non-life. so i moved. i decided that a fresh start was needed.

and here i am. new place. new faces. new things to explore and feelings to reexamine. and somehow, i am truly happier. i feel so damn hopeful. so damn full of promise. i am sitting in a beautiful apartment, at my grandfather's desk with photos of the family staring up at me from the glass top, and somehow recognize that in this moment, i am more of my own person than i've been in years. yes, this year will surely be a pivotal one. i feel so close to... something. to some kind of breakthrough. of miraculous self-given freedom. i'm still a mess of a girl, but somehow, being here makes me feel closer to figuring out how to fix it all. maybe it's the physical distance from the rest of the family, or the friends that knew me back when... back when everything started.

something always brings it back to her. my mother. there have been many, many days here when i've been thinking about her. mostly curious what she is up to. but what she meant to me long, long ago. celebrating the times we had, and mourning the times we won't. this physical space is so good for me. i am trying to forgive myself for all the hurt, the pain, and move on. move forward to the rest of my life. i deserve one. i can't spend my life mourning her, or beating myself up for how i kicked her out of my life.

everything is going to get so much better from here on out. i know it will.

finally, finally unpacked.

it's amazing how moving can completely turn your life upside down. i've never enjoyed the feeling of being temporary. i hate being nomadic. i've been that way for so many years. moving just sucks. the last month and a half have been spent living out of boxes. after a week of being in my new apt, i realized how much i hated it. the building was nice enough, and let me pick a different apt to move into 3 weeks later. so i spent the first month basically just existing to work, trying to find which box had plates, which box had all the paperwork i needed for a new drivers license... trying to find which box had the iron in it. finding out my mother has already tracked me down here.

needless to say, i've been a mess.

to top it, the new store has been tough to get used to. i don't know anyone there the way i did in my old region, where every other supervisor was someone i had trained before. here, i'm the new kid. i'm the one the management teams are trying to size up. it's not a feeling i like either. i don't know why i have to keep proving myself, over and over and over. at some point, i should just get the damn respect, instead of starting all over again from the bottom.

sigh.

on the plus side, it has been amazing to see my brother and his wife so much. all i can see is the life we will all share somewhere down the horizon, when i establish my life a bit more, and they branch out a family.

for now, i just have to get through this little patch. i have to remember my life's mantra: everything is only temporary.

thank you for being out there, and reading. it helps me so much to know that i have a cheerleading squad out there.

new beginnings!

i did it! i moved! i'm sorry for the long hiatus but it took a while to get my stuff back and the wireless hooked up ;) writing from my smart phone just isn't the same as writing on a keyboard.

the kitties and i drove for 16 hours over 2 days to get here, and the amount of emotions that i've had in the last two weeks are almost hard to believe. i cried when i drove away from the city, smiled the whole way through virginia's beautiful shenandoah valley, and became almost panicky nervous by the time i got here.

my brother and his wife have either talked to me or seen me every day since i arrived, and i know that this is a good move for me. it's just hard to deal a little at the moment. my stuff hasn't arrived yet, so the only furniture in this big apartment is my bed that i bought when i got here. the apt also has no natural light at all -- all the lights have to be on all the time. these two little facts have been making me utterly miserable for my first week of living here. i don't feel like i'm living at all - i'm surviving. this nomadic lifestyle gets sooo old. i want to be settled. i want to be in an apartment that's perfect, with sun and style.

but i'm trying to not complain. i am very excited to be starting my life over a bit. i just wish this feeling of temporary life would go away. i don't like this part of it.

to new beginnings! and new (happier) adventures!