helluva week.

i'm sorry it's been a while. i am trying to write more often, because my life usually seems to need some perspective.

but writing this week would have been almost inadvisable. it was filled with so much tragedy and sadness. my friend's brother went missing last weekend while surfing. it took 5 days to find his body 20 miles away. the whole thing was so unbelievably awful. he was the nicest person. only married a few years. genuinely wonderful 30-something with a full life to live. i spent the entire week just refreshing information pages on the search - desperately wanting to see a headline like "miracle! found!" but in my heart, i knew that surfing accidents like that rarely turn out well.

the whole thing just affected me more than it probably should have. and after a week of reflecting, i think i know why.

all i can think about is MY brother. what i would have done if it had been my brother that went missing. if he had died. i swear to gd, all i want to do right at this moment is hug him. i cannot even begin to fathom how i would react to losing him, like my friend lost her brother this week. i think i would die inside. i think i would be unable to recover from the loss.

in my insomnia, i chose to read the past 5 years' worth of journal entries i had on another blog. probably also another bad idea. but the journals made some things very evident. and given how severe i think this week has been on my psyche, i need to record some of my clarity moments:

- that i have gone through some awful moments with my mother.

- that i still don't remember things that i wrote about. i black things out from my memory unconsciously.

- that my brother is still the most important relationship i have.

- that i am a survivor.

- that i am a fighter.

- that as bad as my life seems now, it really was worse 5 years ago.

- that i don't give myself enough credit, or enough of a break.

i want to give myself permission to feel ok. to accept that this quiet working life is still worth something. that it's ok to want something other than to work. that it's ok that i don't have my mother in my life. honestly. i'm better because of it.

i want to forgive myself for all the shit i put myself through. all the doubt. the self-flagellation. the constant self-negativity.

i just want to keep moving on, moving forward... and stop looking back to wonder what mistakes i've made. even in their darkest moments, they were never mistakes. because here i am.

come again?

received a letter from mom today. its written clearly. to the point. almost lucid. she is not coming to visit me, because her therapist has advised her not to. she understands that i have not "invited her" back into my life.

see, it's this kind of nonsense that makes me so angry all the time. i wish she would just stay in crazyland so that i know how to react. but this kind of letter makes me feel nothing but shit. guilty. horrible.

but oh so relieved.

this is... me??

so is this the happy place? the place mentally where i feel ready to take on the world and my own demons? there has been such a fundamental change in me over the past few months. the anxiety i was facing the other week has mellowed, and i've been feeling... dare i say it... content. i went to the beach on monday and went in the water for the first time in over 10 years. i have always hated my body. hated people looking at me. it's a language of self-hate that i have expressed here, and that i have spoken to myself since i was in middle school. but something on monday strengthened me to give myself permission to enjoy myself. something inside just said, "fuck everyone - go frolic like a dolphin." it was AMAZING. i was in the water for an hour, dried off laying in the sun, and finished the night with an impromptu bbq at a friend's house. all the self-love, and the enjoyment, gave me the most wonderful feeling of relaxation at work the next day. nothing could bug me.

i mean, who am i??? this isn't me talking, is it? i'm not used to this. but i'd like to be!

for the first time in a long time, i really believe that i am putting together all the little pieces of myself that were smashed to bits when my mother fell apart. i really feel like i could conquer anything that comes my way - not only conquer it, but be at peace with the way i handle it.

maybe i'm just growing up? or coming to terms with my mother's illness? either way, i truly believe that my healing is continuing.

self-flagellation never fails.

so remember i was having a "crazy" week on account of my mother's threat to show up at my door? well, as usual, i wore my heart on my sleeve at work, and my boss brought it up today.

"you're really doing great - i'm so happy you're here - but i get worried about you."

i must've looked shocked. i thought i'd been so good at hiding myself. i thought i was keeping my game face on. i should've known better. i always wear my fucking heart on my sleeve. i called my best friend for clarification - basically to ask, "do you get worried about me too?" and she gave me several points for thought, which i am going to just list here in a random order for reflection later on:

1. i need to detach from work. seriously. let go of it once i leave, and stop worrying about what i didn't get done after i'm out the door.

2. i need to monitor what i say about my private life to people who may not understand.

3. she thinks that i'm so used to being the one looked to for decisions, for the fix, for the solution to the problem, that i put myself in the role of complete responsibility in every situation. that i need to recognize that i have someone above me who is just as capable, and just as willing, to make the decisions.

4. that i shouldn't change who i am, or the emotions i show. it's why i am who i am.

5. that i am unrelentingly hard on myself. cannot forgive myself. cannot move on.

that last point seems incredibly poignant. i will reflect on this later. for now, i'm taking point #1, detaching, drinking a beer, and cleaning the bathroom. so i can take "better care of myself." (what the eff does that mean, and how do i do that??) i am seriously my own worst enemy sometimes.

good morning

i slept for ten hours and had a huge pot of coffee this morning. somehow, this makes me feel ready to tackle the world - especially my craziness from this weekend. i am stronger than this!

oddly disappointed.

my mother didn't show up. there was no hysterical episode outside of my building. the police weren't called. the desperate wish that somehow we would wind up in a hospital didn't come true.

my anxiety over the past few days has been unbearable. i haven't slept well in three days, and i dread coming home. i was a nutcase at work, and felt like i was worrying everyone. i tried to explain what this feels like. the intense fear, anger, worry... disappointment.

never thought i'd feel disappointed. the rush of relief should be what i'm feeling. i should be happy there wasn't any kind of incident. but all i feel is incomplete - like the sentence has been ended with an ellipsis. still all this uncertainty, this fear, this frustration about not knowing what exactly is going on with her. i went back on my promise to myself just to check her blog. she hasn't posted in over 2 weeks.

and the worry begins again. i wish i could turn it off like a faucet. ignore it so it went away, and haunted someone else. but this nonsensical, nonexistent closure doesn't exist, and i'm finding myself feeling like a giant "pending" folder.

i hope i'm more together tomorrow. i'm definitely more basket-case than not tonight.

this time is different.

i had a great weekend. i saw my family for a birthday celebration on saturday. i spent sunday at home, shopping, cleaning, watching movies... and today at the beach, getting toasty red and enjoying the weather. felt like a beach goddess from the 1940's in my giant straw hat and italian sunglasses. finished with watching my goddaughter in her final softball game of the year (she hit the ball, but was tagged out at first base.) came home feeling rested, ready for work, and happy.

and like clockwork, there was a letter in my mailbox from my mother just in time to fuck it up.

there's a line in bridget jones' diary that goes something like this: "it's generally known that as soon as one area of your life starts to go really well, another goes spectacularly to pieces." that's how i feel, right at this moment. i can spend two months really trying to get back into myself, and happy, and all it takes is my mother forcing herself back into the conversation to send me into a hysterical tizzy.

the letter basically says she is going to be arriving at my doorstep sometime this weekend. uninvited. very very uninvited. my mind went black, fear, fury, anger... i started coming up with reasons to be out of the house for two days ("work! you're working! and then it's father's day!" i started seeing visions of her in front of my house and felt the abject fear in my stomach of having to deal with her. i went through every single emotion in the book, but the one that kept repeating in my head was "panic, panic, panic." i called my father. no answer. so i sent my wayward brother a text. he called right back.

my brother and i have been on a weird path lately. i was mad at him for the past few months because he never calls me. he never calls anyone. if you want to know how he is, you have to make the effort, or see if he's updated on facebook. i've given him the benefit of the doubt, because after all, he's a newlywed and under a whole bunch of stress job hunting. but as a result of my embargo, i just wound up hurting myself because i missed him so much. but the conversation we had tonight was very adult. and very real. and within 10 minutes, he had not only calmed me down, but reasoned me right back into my happy place.

i will not fear that which hasn't happened yet. i will not write scenarios. i will not get hysterical over something that i have no control over right now. and i'll give the police a visit tomorrow to see if there's anything i can do if she shows up. my brother doesn't think she actually will show. i know in my heart otherwise. but at least i have the warning ahead of time, and the time to plan my response. when i explained to my brother that she just affects me so much that she alone has the power to send me right back into a depression, he offered the following advice:

"things will only affect you as much as you let them."

i don't know when it happened. but i think my brother has suddenly become much older and wiser than me, even if i have more years on him. i am so very, very lucky. and i love him more than i can ever put into words.