recent news.

mom's been a busy little bee. the state police had come looking for info on her a few months ago because she sent a threatening letter to a public official. we didn't know where she was at the time, although my brother seemed to know she had changed her name and moved somewhere north. turns out it's actually true. she legally changed her name to some blatantly vanilla americana name, and moved into a nursing home in the worst slum in an upstate city. the cops know where she is, and who she is, and she has already made quite the name for herself at the local authorities.

so my question remains: why don't they just drag her to the hospital already?

the more time passes, the more sure i become that i will never get my mother back. she will never check herself in, and the cops will never force her because she's not really that much of a threat. just a crazy woman who harasses the local post office for "tampering" with her mail. perhaps this is how it will be from now on - her being somewhere far away, living alone in assisted living on disability, and me never feeling comfortable enough to see her again.

what a waste.

song dedication?

somehow i rediscovered sarah mclachlan's "drifting" tonight. and it's eerily perfect language for what i think my heart is saying every now and then.

"you've been gone so long

all that you know has been shuffled aside

as you bask in the glow

of the beautiful strangers that whisper your name

do they fill up the emptiness

larger than life is your fiction

in a universe made up of one

you have been drifting for so long

i know you don't want to come down

somewhere below you there's people who love you

and they're ready for you to come home,

please come home"

mystery package and the aqarium

my best friend took me to the aquarium with her daughter today. i think my mentioning of the fact that i have spent the last two month's worth of weekends in a depressed funk had something to do with it. and i had a good time. but even now, it's 5 am and i couldn't possibly tell you why i'm still awake.

my building's front door had a a fed ex door tag waiting for me the other day. they left it with my super. i didn't order anything. i'm not expecting anything. i'm extremely confused over what it might be. and hoping it's not from my mother. she shouldn't have my address, and if she does, it might freak me out a bit. i don't want her showing up here someday.