i overreacted a bit.

i don't know who the call was from. after talking to my brother, the call i got wasn't from the right area code. which means i freaked out and lost my cool over nothing.

i guess it shows that there are some feelings that are still very, very raw. if she ever really does call me from this point forward, i'll try to handle it better.

i will handle it better.

how did she find me?

it took all my strength not to lose it today... she found my phone number. someone, somewhere, gave her my unlisted phone number that has been out of her reach for 4 years. i want to scream. punch a wall. cry in a heap. smack someone. i was free. FREE! free from the drama, and the fear of phone calls. fear of hearing it ring. hearing it at 3 in the morning. having a daily reminder of her illness.

and i don't want to change my number again... it's been so nice to just have one number and not worry about this again.

i can't possibly put the rage i'm feeling into this post. it scares me. it scares me that i have to deal with it again, and make a decision to either change my number, or actually answer one of her phone calls to tell her the next time she calls, i'll consider it harassment.

save me from all this drama. i have been free of it for so many months, and i'm in such a good place mentally. as always, ALWAYS, she comes back to fuck it up just when i'm feeling free from all the shackles of guilt, anger, and shame. just once, ONCE, i want to move on with my life without fear of her interference.

it's never going to be easy. it's never going to be the life i need to heal. she's always going to just force herself back in. i hate her.