I guess we are the point in my life where I can write one entry a year lol. So sorry to future self for not writing more -- this year has been so pivotal that it's kind of crazy I haven't been writing.
we can start with mom, I guess. she was released after two months by the hospital back into the world, and we've lost track of her whereabouts somewhat. we know what town she is staying in, but we haven't heard from her in a while. my uncle got an email a few weeks ago so we know she's alive and communicating, but that's about it. my brother hasn't been telling me anything and I don't want to ask him if he's heard from her, so we just don't talk about it. it's awful. I hope she's ok, but I also don't want to really know.
I was relieved I didn't have to go fly on an airplane and deal with her. I was grateful I didn't hear from her directly. I wasn't surprised that she was released or that she decided to stay the course in not taking medication. I'm never surprised anymore.
what I AM surprised about is that I have spent the past 8 months taking care of myself in ways I never have. I had gotten to a point physically where my knee was in need of replacement -- and it scared me into getting bariatric surgery about two months ago. I have lost almost 100 pounds, and changed almost every aspect of my food life. it's the kind of life change that I never thought myself capable of -- and what I have always wanted. I am mothering myself with the kind of grace and love that I want to give my daughters as they grow up. (did you know there's two of them now? there are two little girls that call me mommy. it's surreal.)
so now I am approaching Mother's Day, again, with guilt and grief and joy all wrapped into one. TWENTY YEARS of Mother's Day without my mother.
as long as I live, I will never understand how she gave me up. how she gave this future up.
part of the deal with bariatric surgery is that you're required to do a mental health evaluation. the therapist and I hit it off so well that now she's my therapist beyond just the single eval. and she said last week that part of my mother is literally broken - her brain is broken. and that's how I can explain it to my eldest daughter, who keeps asking about my mother.
I guess that's the answer.
my mother loved me, but her brain got broken, and it can't be fixed. but that doesn't mean my brain is broken or will be - because I choose therapy, and Prozac, and loving my daughters so much that I will always choose what is best for them over me.
so happy Mother's Day to me, living in purgatory with my own mother, but living in heaven with my sweet girls.
mama loves you. mama loves you so much. mama loves you more than anything. literally anything.
