self-flagellation never fails.

so remember i was having a "crazy" week on account of my mother's threat to show up at my door? well, as usual, i wore my heart on my sleeve at work, and my boss brought it up today.

"you're really doing great - i'm so happy you're here - but i get worried about you."

i must've looked shocked. i thought i'd been so good at hiding myself. i thought i was keeping my game face on. i should've known better. i always wear my fucking heart on my sleeve. i called my best friend for clarification - basically to ask, "do you get worried about me too?" and she gave me several points for thought, which i am going to just list here in a random order for reflection later on:

1. i need to detach from work. seriously. let go of it once i leave, and stop worrying about what i didn't get done after i'm out the door.

2. i need to monitor what i say about my private life to people who may not understand.

3. she thinks that i'm so used to being the one looked to for decisions, for the fix, for the solution to the problem, that i put myself in the role of complete responsibility in every situation. that i need to recognize that i have someone above me who is just as capable, and just as willing, to make the decisions.

4. that i shouldn't change who i am, or the emotions i show. it's why i am who i am.

5. that i am unrelentingly hard on myself. cannot forgive myself. cannot move on.

that last point seems incredibly poignant. i will reflect on this later. for now, i'm taking point #1, detaching, drinking a beer, and cleaning the bathroom. so i can take "better care of myself." (what the eff does that mean, and how do i do that??) i am seriously my own worst enemy sometimes.

good morning

i slept for ten hours and had a huge pot of coffee this morning. somehow, this makes me feel ready to tackle the world - especially my craziness from this weekend. i am stronger than this!

oddly disappointed.

my mother didn't show up. there was no hysterical episode outside of my building. the police weren't called. the desperate wish that somehow we would wind up in a hospital didn't come true.

my anxiety over the past few days has been unbearable. i haven't slept well in three days, and i dread coming home. i was a nutcase at work, and felt like i was worrying everyone. i tried to explain what this feels like. the intense fear, anger, worry... disappointment.

never thought i'd feel disappointed. the rush of relief should be what i'm feeling. i should be happy there wasn't any kind of incident. but all i feel is incomplete - like the sentence has been ended with an ellipsis. still all this uncertainty, this fear, this frustration about not knowing what exactly is going on with her. i went back on my promise to myself just to check her blog. she hasn't posted in over 2 weeks.

and the worry begins again. i wish i could turn it off like a faucet. ignore it so it went away, and haunted someone else. but this nonsensical, nonexistent closure doesn't exist, and i'm finding myself feeling like a giant "pending" folder.

i hope i'm more together tomorrow. i'm definitely more basket-case than not tonight.

this time is different.

i had a great weekend. i saw my family for a birthday celebration on saturday. i spent sunday at home, shopping, cleaning, watching movies... and today at the beach, getting toasty red and enjoying the weather. felt like a beach goddess from the 1940's in my giant straw hat and italian sunglasses. finished with watching my goddaughter in her final softball game of the year (she hit the ball, but was tagged out at first base.) came home feeling rested, ready for work, and happy.

and like clockwork, there was a letter in my mailbox from my mother just in time to fuck it up.

there's a line in bridget jones' diary that goes something like this: "it's generally known that as soon as one area of your life starts to go really well, another goes spectacularly to pieces." that's how i feel, right at this moment. i can spend two months really trying to get back into myself, and happy, and all it takes is my mother forcing herself back into the conversation to send me into a hysterical tizzy.

the letter basically says she is going to be arriving at my doorstep sometime this weekend. uninvited. very very uninvited. my mind went black, fear, fury, anger... i started coming up with reasons to be out of the house for two days ("work! you're working! and then it's father's day!" i started seeing visions of her in front of my house and felt the abject fear in my stomach of having to deal with her. i went through every single emotion in the book, but the one that kept repeating in my head was "panic, panic, panic." i called my father. no answer. so i sent my wayward brother a text. he called right back.

my brother and i have been on a weird path lately. i was mad at him for the past few months because he never calls me. he never calls anyone. if you want to know how he is, you have to make the effort, or see if he's updated on facebook. i've given him the benefit of the doubt, because after all, he's a newlywed and under a whole bunch of stress job hunting. but as a result of my embargo, i just wound up hurting myself because i missed him so much. but the conversation we had tonight was very adult. and very real. and within 10 minutes, he had not only calmed me down, but reasoned me right back into my happy place.

i will not fear that which hasn't happened yet. i will not write scenarios. i will not get hysterical over something that i have no control over right now. and i'll give the police a visit tomorrow to see if there's anything i can do if she shows up. my brother doesn't think she actually will show. i know in my heart otherwise. but at least i have the warning ahead of time, and the time to plan my response. when i explained to my brother that she just affects me so much that she alone has the power to send me right back into a depression, he offered the following advice:

"things will only affect you as much as you let them."

i don't know when it happened. but i think my brother has suddenly become much older and wiser than me, even if i have more years on him. i am so very, very lucky. and i love him more than i can ever put into words.

some good news

went to the doctor, and what i thought was true is true: the shoulder really has done a lot of healing. no surgery! so i brought home some flowers for myself, and the cats made themselves available for a photo op. it made me smile. enjoy!

summer always brings the sunshine :)

i'm sorry i've been quiet lately. i've been trying to figure out why i haven't felt the need to come blog about all the feelings that go into my every day life. there's really only two. first, i'm feeling pretty good. and two, i'm trying to avoid getting myself all upset.

the silence from my mother lately has been happily deafening. true to my word in my last post, i have NOT gone to read her blog at all. the simple truth is that i just don't want to know. i don't want to know if she's depressed, or planning on coming down to harass me in person, or if she's in danger. i want to put my trust in everything spiritual to guide her and take care of her without my intervention or interference. i know, in my heart, that she is a capable survivor, and that she will endure anything that comes her with the clever manipulation and resourcefulness she's always had.

in the meantime, my life feels suddenly full of words like "possible", "happy", "content"... my job has become heaven once again. i have an amazing boss and a store that makes me confident in myself, and excited to wake up in the morning. and at the same time, both him and the store staff are intent on keeping my time away from work sacred. no phone calls. no text messages. i don't dread my phone ringing on my weekend anymore. how did i get this lucky? i've been spending my weekends with friends, sightseeing, visiting family, or just spending time with myself. my shoulder seems to be healing.

maybe my heart is healing too. maybe that's what's going on.

in other news, i've met someone i actually feel something for. it's completely in my head, and i'm pretty sure that nothing will ever happen with this guy, but i just have to say that i've missed thinking about someone. there hasn't been a "someone" in a long, long time. the timing is all screwy for the two of us, and i know i'm still a bit of a mess inside.

but still. i like that word. "possible." possibilities and hopes aplenty.