self-flagellation never fails.

so remember i was having a "crazy" week on account of my mother's threat to show up at my door? well, as usual, i wore my heart on my sleeve at work, and my boss brought it up today.

"you're really doing great - i'm so happy you're here - but i get worried about you."

i must've looked shocked. i thought i'd been so good at hiding myself. i thought i was keeping my game face on. i should've known better. i always wear my fucking heart on my sleeve. i called my best friend for clarification - basically to ask, "do you get worried about me too?" and she gave me several points for thought, which i am going to just list here in a random order for reflection later on:

1. i need to detach from work. seriously. let go of it once i leave, and stop worrying about what i didn't get done after i'm out the door.

2. i need to monitor what i say about my private life to people who may not understand.

3. she thinks that i'm so used to being the one looked to for decisions, for the fix, for the solution to the problem, that i put myself in the role of complete responsibility in every situation. that i need to recognize that i have someone above me who is just as capable, and just as willing, to make the decisions.

4. that i shouldn't change who i am, or the emotions i show. it's why i am who i am.

5. that i am unrelentingly hard on myself. cannot forgive myself. cannot move on.

that last point seems incredibly poignant. i will reflect on this later. for now, i'm taking point #1, detaching, drinking a beer, and cleaning the bathroom. so i can take "better care of myself." (what the eff does that mean, and how do i do that??) i am seriously my own worst enemy sometimes.