oddly disappointed.

my mother didn't show up. there was no hysterical episode outside of my building. the police weren't called. the desperate wish that somehow we would wind up in a hospital didn't come true.

my anxiety over the past few days has been unbearable. i haven't slept well in three days, and i dread coming home. i was a nutcase at work, and felt like i was worrying everyone. i tried to explain what this feels like. the intense fear, anger, worry... disappointment.

never thought i'd feel disappointed. the rush of relief should be what i'm feeling. i should be happy there wasn't any kind of incident. but all i feel is incomplete - like the sentence has been ended with an ellipsis. still all this uncertainty, this fear, this frustration about not knowing what exactly is going on with her. i went back on my promise to myself just to check her blog. she hasn't posted in over 2 weeks.

and the worry begins again. i wish i could turn it off like a faucet. ignore it so it went away, and haunted someone else. but this nonsensical, nonexistent closure doesn't exist, and i'm finding myself feeling like a giant "pending" folder.

i hope i'm more together tomorrow. i'm definitely more basket-case than not tonight.