and like clockwork, there was a letter in my mailbox from my mother just in time to fuck it up.
there's a line in bridget jones' diary that goes something like this: "it's generally known that as soon as one area of your life starts to go really well, another goes spectacularly to pieces." that's how i feel, right at this moment. i can spend two months really trying to get back into myself, and happy, and all it takes is my mother forcing herself back into the conversation to send me into a hysterical tizzy.
the letter basically says she is going to be arriving at my doorstep sometime this weekend. uninvited. very very uninvited. my mind went black, fear, fury, anger... i started coming up with reasons to be out of the house for two days ("work! you're working! and then it's father's day!" i started seeing visions of her in front of my house and felt the abject fear in my stomach of having to deal with her. i went through every single emotion in the book, but the one that kept repeating in my head was "panic, panic, panic." i called my father. no answer. so i sent my wayward brother a text. he called right back.
my brother and i have been on a weird path lately. i was mad at him for the past few months because he never calls me. he never calls anyone. if you want to know how he is, you have to make the effort, or see if he's updated on facebook. i've given him the benefit of the doubt, because after all, he's a newlywed and under a whole bunch of stress job hunting. but as a result of my embargo, i just wound up hurting myself because i missed him so much. but the conversation we had tonight was very adult. and very real. and within 10 minutes, he had not only calmed me down, but reasoned me right back into my happy place.
i will not fear that which hasn't happened yet. i will not write scenarios. i will not get hysterical over something that i have no control over right now. and i'll give the police a visit tomorrow to see if there's anything i can do if she shows up. my brother doesn't think she actually will show. i know in my heart otherwise. but at least i have the warning ahead of time, and the time to plan my response. when i explained to my brother that she just affects me so much that she alone has the power to send me right back into a depression, he offered the following advice:
"things will only affect you as much as you let them."
i don't know when it happened. but i think my brother has suddenly become much older and wiser than me, even if i have more years on him. i am so very, very lucky. and i love him more than i can ever put into words.
I just wanted to say thank you for your blog. I too am a daughter of a mentally ill mother. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 8 years ago (she was always off before just not as bad) and we have good months but she has never stayed on her medication consistently. Shit hit the fan recently and my father is finally seeking a divorce. This is sad because I know he would never divorce who she really is but she hasn't been that person in a long time. I don't blame him given her angry pyschotic episodes that he and my brother live with for months on end. People divorce each other for far less. This is just happening so fast. When there is a big event such as this I too worry that my mother will show up at my doorstep in a raging mania bordering on pyschosis. I too fear it all the time.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, just wanted to say that I totally relate to MUCH of what you say on here. It helps to know that I'm not completely alone in my feelings of abandonment and constant worry. I appreciate your honesty. Thank you and I hope you can maintain your mood. You can! You are stronger than her!
BTW- Your brother was right, we cannot worry about what has not yet occurred (I know its hard. I fight this all the time.). We must try to look to find acceptance that we cannot change or control our mothers' moods, brain chemistry, or whether or not they take medication, but that we can have some control over how we feel about and how much we let it affect us. (It is a constant struggle, but this is what I strive for.) Thank you again for your honesty.
Sending good vibes/prayers your way,
Rya
rya, you're welcome. i'm just trying to be honest for me - i feel like in my daily interactions with my real-world friends and family that i am just constantly editing myself and my feelings. it always feels better to say all this stuff to the world/faces unknown, because in reality, they know my feelings more really than anyone else. if that makes sense.
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