the silence from my mother lately has been happily deafening. true to my word in my last post, i have NOT gone to read her blog at all. the simple truth is that i just don't want to know. i don't want to know if she's depressed, or planning on coming down to harass me in person, or if she's in danger. i want to put my trust in everything spiritual to guide her and take care of her without my intervention or interference. i know, in my heart, that she is a capable survivor, and that she will endure anything that comes her with the clever manipulation and resourcefulness she's always had.
in the meantime, my life feels suddenly full of words like "possible", "happy", "content"... my job has become heaven once again. i have an amazing boss and a store that makes me confident in myself, and excited to wake up in the morning. and at the same time, both him and the store staff are intent on keeping my time away from work sacred. no phone calls. no text messages. i don't dread my phone ringing on my weekend anymore. how did i get this lucky? i've been spending my weekends with friends, sightseeing, visiting family, or just spending time with myself. my shoulder seems to be healing.
maybe my heart is healing too. maybe that's what's going on.
in other news, i've met someone i actually feel something for. it's completely in my head, and i'm pretty sure that nothing will ever happen with this guy, but i just have to say that i've missed thinking about someone. there hasn't been a "someone" in a long, long time. the timing is all screwy for the two of us, and i know i'm still a bit of a mess inside.
but still. i like that word. "possible." possibilities and hopes aplenty.
It's great to hear your summer is off to such a good start. Warm wishes to you! Ben
ReplyDeleteWhat an interesting blog. My mother is seriously mentally ill, and I tried for so many years to make things right. After her outbursts frightening my children to tears too many times, I've decided the only way for them to be safe and happy, and me to be the best person I can be, is to completely cut ties with the toxic person that is my mother. I've moved with no forwarding address and have blocked her number and emails. I've finally come to realize that nothing I do will make her "better", priority has to be keeping myself from turning out like her. Best wishes to you.
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