this is... me??

so is this the happy place? the place mentally where i feel ready to take on the world and my own demons? there has been such a fundamental change in me over the past few months. the anxiety i was facing the other week has mellowed, and i've been feeling... dare i say it... content. i went to the beach on monday and went in the water for the first time in over 10 years. i have always hated my body. hated people looking at me. it's a language of self-hate that i have expressed here, and that i have spoken to myself since i was in middle school. but something on monday strengthened me to give myself permission to enjoy myself. something inside just said, "fuck everyone - go frolic like a dolphin." it was AMAZING. i was in the water for an hour, dried off laying in the sun, and finished the night with an impromptu bbq at a friend's house. all the self-love, and the enjoyment, gave me the most wonderful feeling of relaxation at work the next day. nothing could bug me.

i mean, who am i??? this isn't me talking, is it? i'm not used to this. but i'd like to be!

for the first time in a long time, i really believe that i am putting together all the little pieces of myself that were smashed to bits when my mother fell apart. i really feel like i could conquer anything that comes my way - not only conquer it, but be at peace with the way i handle it.

maybe i'm just growing up? or coming to terms with my mother's illness? either way, i truly believe that my healing is continuing.