it took all my strength not to lose it today... she found my phone number. someone, somewhere, gave her my unlisted phone number that has been out of her reach for 4 years. i want to scream. punch a wall. cry in a heap. smack someone. i was free. FREE! free from the drama, and the fear of phone calls. fear of hearing it ring. hearing it at 3 in the morning. having a daily reminder of her illness.
and i don't want to change my number again... it's been so nice to just have one number and not worry about this again.
i can't possibly put the rage i'm feeling into this post. it scares me. it scares me that i have to deal with it again, and make a decision to either change my number, or actually answer one of her phone calls to tell her the next time she calls, i'll consider it harassment.
save me from all this drama. i have been free of it for so many months, and i'm in such a good place mentally. as always, ALWAYS, she comes back to fuck it up just when i'm feeling free from all the shackles of guilt, anger, and shame. just once, ONCE, i want to move on with my life without fear of her interference.
it's never going to be easy. it's never going to be the life i need to heal. she's always going to just force herself back in. i hate her.
Hello, I too am a daughter of a mentally ill mother. It's been hell since I was 9 years old. My dad walked out at 13 and I was left with her and my grandparents to figure out what to do next. Talk about growing up too soon. Unfortunately, I was an only child. It really sucks growing up and knowing you are all she has to depend on. I tried really hard for years to separate myself from her. I got married moved away had children and even then she always got my number or address from family and friends and found a way back into my life. It's not really their fault I can't imagine being stuck in the world she's in. She's alone with the voices in her head and that's it. Recently I was called because she's back in the hospital and someone has to take care of her, guess who?! So now as I look for places for her to live I'm frightened by the responses that there is nowhere for her to go except into my own home which is hard because I can't bring her into my home with my children knowing all too well how hard it is to live with her. What do kids like us do in this situation? I can't allow her to be put on the street because at the end of the day she is my mom, my family whether I like it or not. There just aren't enough resources and at this point I'm worried for my own sanity because I know how I can be pushed to my limit when I'm around her for too long.
ReplyDeletei understand how you feel completely... my heart is with you for having to endure so much on your own at so young an age. my brother had the same issues when she was "on the street" - he couldn't walk away, chastising himself for abandoning his mother. i still have so much guilt for cutting her out of my life. the only thing that made me able to get through it was the knowledge that she has always, somehow, miraculously, survived every hardship. she's living on disability now, after applying for state aid. i have no idea how much, or what she had to do to get it, but she has enough to live somewhere and live quietly. maybe you could look into something similar for your mom? ultimately, i don't have the answers. but what i do know is that as hard a decision as it was for me to completely cut her off, i know in my heart that it was absolutely the only thing i could to keep myself together. reach out for help if you can - i've only seen my new therapist twice, and already i feel like i'm ready to really heal. wishing you all the best, and i'm always here!
ReplyDeleteOh boy--- I am almost 45 and for the past 18 YEARS have been hiding from my unbalanced mother and her equally unbalanced sister who also chased her children away. Every day is an orange alert but after two years of peace, apparently she is close to finding me again and today my terror alert is back to red. So I will go through the familiar steps of alerting the local police to be on guard for whatever comes and be vigilant. I feel for you. I have no guilt about separating and choosing to have a life.... but I am spending the rest of it hiding from her. It is way better though than having a woman who refuses to seek treatment try to control my life. What a way to live and such a waste for her. I am an old pro at this, if you ever need to talk, contact me. I have successfully maintained a productive life with a great husband and friends but my neck is always sore from looking over my shoulder to see when she is coming to try and ruin everything AGAIN! :(
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