finding pics of my mother is hard. out of 12,000 photos on my computer, there are only five photos from the last ten years that i have of her. 3 were with me at my college graduation (where i lean into my brother and away from her. no surprise.) 1 was at her grad school graduation (when we were still talking.) and 1 was her head shot from her online "bookstore" on lulu.com. i snatched this one on my own.
as a typical paranoid schizo, my mother has given herself a new name as well as her birth name. she actually changed it legally to this "second name" - so, using her old name, her new name, and google, i found more than i wanted.
she wrote poetry last year about me. about my brother. and it's heartbreaking poetry. when i see what she writes, or thinks, it hurts me because i know that there is a part of her that feels that way. but in the next sentence, there is more proof that she is still completely out of touch with reality. i cannot let that back into my life. i just can't.
in the meantime, there was a recent pic of her on one of these websites. she has longer hair than i remember. and she freakishly looked like me. i never thought she looked like me before. (or is it that i looked like her?)
either way, i feel depressed a bit now. the wedding is going to be bittersweet. it's an affair she wants to be at, but is not welcomed. and all i can do is pray to my g-d that she doesn't make an unscheduled appearance... how could i protect my brother from that?
