can't sleep

and couldn't tell you why. i'm all anxious over absolutely nothing and excited about everything. it's as if letting my wishes and dreams out into the void has suddenly made me... impatient. i don't want to wait a year to move. i wish i wasn't a slave to my job. i'd leave next week.

quiet happiness.

i'm here. somewhere. this summer has been a quiet happy place, and i don't want it to end. normally i can't wait for fall - the leaves, the weather, the holidays... but i have found so much strength over the past two months, i'm almost afraid that the end of the season would mean the end of this regrowth.

i received another letter from mom this week. it was forgotten almost as soon as it was read, and thrown out like yesterday's news. cannot tell you how much it means to me that i can move past her words that much more quickly than i used to.

i went to visit my brother and sister-in-law the other weekend down south. i decided while i was there that what i really want in this life now is to live closer to them. my entire energy for the next year is going to focus on getting myself moved to atlanta. i feel like this is the time - this is the moment for change. planned change, not just change that happens, or hits me by surprise. i feel like i am shouting out to the world what i actually want, as opposed to what i think i should want. does that make sense? i don't want to live here just to keep my father company, and wait for my grandmother to pass. i want to live, live, live, my own life. and i know in my heart that i don't want to live far away from my brother for any more time than necessary.

its hard to believe i could smile this much.