2011 continues to be my year for personal growth. every week that has gone by gets better than the last... and not because my mother is in the hospital, or on medication. but because i feel like i'm healing more and more. this could all be in my head. but i don't think so. i have noticed small changes in my daily routine that were never there before. my eating habits are the simplest example. once upon a time, i ate out for almost every meal. fast food and take out were my standbys, my usuals... home cooked meals were few and far between, and most of the time, something i could microwave. slowly but surely, i've been making my own breakfast. this is HUGE for me. i wish i could convey the feeling i get in the morning now - like i have purpose, drive, and CONTROL over what i'm eating. no shame. no wishing i could take back my last choice of food, because of the inevitable stomachache or wave of nausea over consuming something that is killing me slowly.
VICTORY. that's what it feels like. victory over lack of control.
i've been celebrating by posting pictures of my dinner creations for friends and family on facebook. it makes me feel strong.
i also took a week off, and went with my closest friend to california for a week. there were too many amazing experiences to list. but the ease of living, and that wonderful feeling of the absence of anxiety have inspired me so much. i want to keep that feeling every day of my life.
the best part of this vacation, if you can call it a positive thing, is that i completely forgot my mother's 60th birthday. i mean, wow. i have dreaded every birthday and every mother's day for 6 years now. i have made it through them in the past with alcohol, or waves of guilt that i couldn't shake. but this year? this huge birthday year for my mother? i didn't even remember until my father reminded me days later. miracle. complete and utter miracle.
this strength of character is starting to remind me of who i used to be. perhaps that's why i'm considering a career change, as well as the big move down south... maybe i'm feeling like i don't have to hide away from my life by working all the time. maybe this is the beginning of starting my life... at the tender age of almost-29. it also occurred to me that i am now less than 2 years away from the age when my mother had me... and how far i am from experiencing that same joy. i want a future. i want a happy future. i want to have my own family, my own children...
wow. it feels good to send that out into the void. i feel... joyous. full of hope. full of bravery. (for once.)
