it's a quiet revolution.

i don't think i'll be able to really make this entry make any sense. i've really been searching for reasons why i'm so much happier here. when i moved from ny, i was tired of my routine. i was at a stalemate. i was living in a place for my job, with no friends or family nearby. everyone was an hour away. i was bored. i was tired of my life existing for only work. i was tired of my life being a non-life. so i moved. i decided that a fresh start was needed.

and here i am. new place. new faces. new things to explore and feelings to reexamine. and somehow, i am truly happier. i feel so damn hopeful. so damn full of promise. i am sitting in a beautiful apartment, at my grandfather's desk with photos of the family staring up at me from the glass top, and somehow recognize that in this moment, i am more of my own person than i've been in years. yes, this year will surely be a pivotal one. i feel so close to... something. to some kind of breakthrough. of miraculous self-given freedom. i'm still a mess of a girl, but somehow, being here makes me feel closer to figuring out how to fix it all. maybe it's the physical distance from the rest of the family, or the friends that knew me back when... back when everything started.

something always brings it back to her. my mother. there have been many, many days here when i've been thinking about her. mostly curious what she is up to. but what she meant to me long, long ago. celebrating the times we had, and mourning the times we won't. this physical space is so good for me. i am trying to forgive myself for all the hurt, the pain, and move on. move forward to the rest of my life. i deserve one. i can't spend my life mourning her, or beating myself up for how i kicked her out of my life.

everything is going to get so much better from here on out. i know it will.

finally, finally unpacked.

it's amazing how moving can completely turn your life upside down. i've never enjoyed the feeling of being temporary. i hate being nomadic. i've been that way for so many years. moving just sucks. the last month and a half have been spent living out of boxes. after a week of being in my new apt, i realized how much i hated it. the building was nice enough, and let me pick a different apt to move into 3 weeks later. so i spent the first month basically just existing to work, trying to find which box had plates, which box had all the paperwork i needed for a new drivers license... trying to find which box had the iron in it. finding out my mother has already tracked me down here.

needless to say, i've been a mess.

to top it, the new store has been tough to get used to. i don't know anyone there the way i did in my old region, where every other supervisor was someone i had trained before. here, i'm the new kid. i'm the one the management teams are trying to size up. it's not a feeling i like either. i don't know why i have to keep proving myself, over and over and over. at some point, i should just get the damn respect, instead of starting all over again from the bottom.

sigh.

on the plus side, it has been amazing to see my brother and his wife so much. all i can see is the life we will all share somewhere down the horizon, when i establish my life a bit more, and they branch out a family.

for now, i just have to get through this little patch. i have to remember my life's mantra: everything is only temporary.

thank you for being out there, and reading. it helps me so much to know that i have a cheerleading squad out there.