i didn't realize how long it's been. i'm going to chalk it up to the fact that i am truly able to handle things in my life so much easier now.
i actually travelled all the way to confront the man i was starting to fall in love with, and had my heart smashed like a piñata. but the toolbox i've developed over the past year - the self-love i've been trying to practice - has helped me so much. i am so much quicker to bounce back.
my job is going fine. my daily life is going fine. i've started running, which i've discovered is as therapeutic as an hour in my therapist's office... i'd like to believe that this is my true self. it feels as if the last ten years of healing were just me surviving. that it was just a decade of going through the motions and putting all my energy into working and hating myself.
lately, it's been different. i think that the guy helped with pushing me into thinking about certain stuff. he made me see myself differently. worthy of love. of sex. of someone wanting me for me, even if he didn't want me permanently in his life because his own was too complicated to add another issue. but i told him things in our brief moment together. that i wanted to run again. that i wanted to start my life, but for real. that i felt left out of so many things. and having that moment with him, although brief and passionate and real for me, just left me convinced that what i want is a partner for my life, and a family of my own. i'm so over the waiting game, and telling myself that i can't have these things.
i'm ready for a new story to tell myself.
i feel so powerful. so beautiful. so ready to take on my life. its a paradigm shift that has been slowly building over the past two years, and i love it. i love feeling like i can take any knock. i love that i can think about my mom lately, and feel less like weeping. there's an emotion there that i can't name yet, but it reminds me of acceptance or resignation.
i had a dream about her the other week that was so real i woke up in tears. but it did not destroy me. it did not level me emotionally. i acknowledge the feeling, and moved on with my day. a few years ago, that dream would have curled me into a ball for days. not now.
i am so much stronger than i used to be. and i am on the right path. i know i am.
thank you for still reading, out there. you are more important to me than you will ever know. and i am always here for you.
