she's still in my head today.

you did not break me
i'm still fighting for peace

well i've got thick skin and an elastic heart
but your blade it might be too sharp

and i will stay up through the night
let's be clear, i won't close my eyes
and i know that i can survive
i walked through fire to save my life.

emotional crossroads.

my brother and i talk about my mother sporadically. tonight was apparently one of the nights that we had a sorta serious discussion, even though it lasted for about 5 minutes. it went something like this:

him: "i haven't heard from mom lately."
me: "i haven't either."
him: "i'm starting to feel really bad about it. like it just feels so wrong."
me: "i know what you mean."
him: "it felt wrong 5 years ago."
me: "yeah but i was a lot angrier 5 years ago. i needed the space."
him: "well she's getting older. she's too tired to keep up with the antics. yeah, there's risks. but she doesn't even know her oldest grandchild."
me: "at some point, one of us is going to have to go up there. probably me. i mean, she's just going to be a nuisance if she's back in our lives."
him: "yeah, but i can handle it. you can handle it. the kids can't."

and that was kinda it.

i think we are realizing that she is truly aging. the raw rage that we had is fading, and it's coming to a point where we are going to have to make some kind of decision.

what in the world are we going to do?

neither of us want the financial or emotional burden of dealing with her shit. but neither of us want her dying alone and unloved. and i think that's what i'm coming to terms with. i do love her. i always have. it hasn't always felt like it, but it's the love that can't be broken between a parent and a child. i really don't want her back in my life. it's so peaceful, and so nice, without her.

what in the world are we going to do?

we are at an emotional crossroads - two healed little kids, who were once so broken, heartbroken, and angry, are now coming to terms with the reality of cutting their mother out of their lives. did we truly mean for it to be forever? did i? did i really mean it?

are the risks as bad as i think they are? or have i healed enough to test them? i'm scared. i'm really scared to let her back in.

would i rather live with guilt, or regret? either way, it feels like shit. and either way, i can't fix her. if i let her back in my life, it would be solely for her benefit. not ours. not mine. is that enough of a reason?