wedding drama.

my brother is closer to my mother than i will ever be. some people have "his" and "her" towels, but we got "his" and "her" parents. frankly i think i did better in the deal, but i can't blame him for his feelings for his mother. it's a natural thing for him. i find it difficult to even say that i love my mother... most of the time i don't feel anything towards her at all.

but i digress.

my brother is getting married in july. he wants his mother at the wedding. no one else does, including his bride, but she is such a wonderful woman that she is putting up with it anyway. because it's what my brother wants. he wants his mother at his wedding. it's a normal desire.

the problem is that the rest of her family wants nothing to do with her. her sister has a restraining order against her. her brother has a restraining order against her. but when they got engaged, my brother and his fiance talked to everyone to assure them it would be a good time.

i got a text tonight from my brother that the uncle has now pulled his family out of the wedding. they are not going to be there. i'm trying to process this thought, but it can't seem to quite sink in just yet.

if her own daughter, if i can deal with her being at this wedding, why is it so difficult for every one else? how could her brother's hurt be any more than her own daughter? if i can put aside my anger, and resentment, and ANGER, to be at my brother's wedding with her presence, why can't any one else? the wedding isn't about my mother. it isn't about my uncle. it's about my brother, his bride, and the life they are creating. for whatever misguided reason, my brother wants his mother in his life. and no one else's opinion really matters. that's his comfort level, his wants, and his needs.

i am so angry with my uncle, whom i have always loved and adored, that i'm finding it difficult to breathe, let alone sleep. all i want to do is yell and scream at them. how am i supposed to react? i am incredibly close to my uncle and his wife. they have been my lifeline at times when i felt alone with the weight of my mother's illness.

but now, i don't even want to talk to them. let alone see them. i am so outraged at the selfishness, the cruelty, and the meanness...

i don't know what else to do other than keep my mouth shut. but my uncle must realize that the bond i share with my brother is sacred? if not because of the fact that we are siblings, then certainly because we have shared the burden of our mother for 25 years together. we have held each other when we were upset. we have carried each other. we have been each other's strength. and i don't care how righteous my uncle thinks he is being -- my brother will always, ALWAYS, come first in my heart.

oy.

my mother's mother

i was cleaning out my hard drive, and found a whole treasure trove of photos that my mom must have sent me at some point when she was still on meds. and i found one of her mother that made me cry. i look like my grandmother. i never realized this before.

i wish she were still here to get her daughter into a hospital like she did in the '60s. i wish she were here to make it better.

turkey

i'm in the new apartment. it feels empty, but it's full of stuff. boxes of stuff. and every box seems to contain an old piece of my soul. some memento that meant something at some point. but now? my life feels empty. i work, work, work. and then work some more. and let the laundry pile up, the dishes fill the sink, the cat litter stay. and then work again to keep myself from thinking. thinking about her. about myself. about all the things i want in my life but seem so far out of reach.

my self worth is amazing. i know that i am a strong woman. a beautiful strong woman. i know that i am smart, and determined, and loved by a band of family and friends. but there's a little voice in my head that drowns that knowledge out. and lately it's been screaming. "you're fat. you're ugly. you'll never meet a man. you'll never have kids. your brother will have everything you've ever wanted for yourself, so just keep pushing your career. who cares about a balance of life? sure, you want to go to the gym, but you'll look so fat in those tight pants. just watch more tv and eat some sugary crap."

and i let it win, 95% of the time. i made a turkey tonight, just for myself. told myself that i could clean the house while it was cooking, and unpack some more. but i just sat and watched movies. and taped more movies with DVR. didn't do a damn thing. and tomorrow, i'm back to work in dirty jeans and the same shroud of self-hate.

i want to be out of this cycle, but i'm drowning in it.

that turkey made me think of my mother's mother. she would have been proud, if she were alive. it was beautiful, and delicious.