turkey

i'm in the new apartment. it feels empty, but it's full of stuff. boxes of stuff. and every box seems to contain an old piece of my soul. some memento that meant something at some point. but now? my life feels empty. i work, work, work. and then work some more. and let the laundry pile up, the dishes fill the sink, the cat litter stay. and then work again to keep myself from thinking. thinking about her. about myself. about all the things i want in my life but seem so far out of reach.

my self worth is amazing. i know that i am a strong woman. a beautiful strong woman. i know that i am smart, and determined, and loved by a band of family and friends. but there's a little voice in my head that drowns that knowledge out. and lately it's been screaming. "you're fat. you're ugly. you'll never meet a man. you'll never have kids. your brother will have everything you've ever wanted for yourself, so just keep pushing your career. who cares about a balance of life? sure, you want to go to the gym, but you'll look so fat in those tight pants. just watch more tv and eat some sugary crap."

and i let it win, 95% of the time. i made a turkey tonight, just for myself. told myself that i could clean the house while it was cooking, and unpack some more. but i just sat and watched movies. and taped more movies with DVR. didn't do a damn thing. and tomorrow, i'm back to work in dirty jeans and the same shroud of self-hate.

i want to be out of this cycle, but i'm drowning in it.

that turkey made me think of my mother's mother. she would have been proud, if she were alive. it was beautiful, and delicious.