the reason they are not coming is not that they can't deal with my mother. rather, my mother made some incredibly upsetting comments about their children in a letter they received. the letter turned into a renewal of their restraining order. the court sent someone to their house to interview their children and determine any level of abuse. and they are afraid of involving their kids in a possibly upsetting situation with my mother. they also don't want to tempt fate by potentially causing a scene during the wedding.
and i understand. at every level. i had to go through child service interviews because of my mother. i'm mortified that my cousins had to go through the same... how can i ever apologize for her behavior? for the necessity of that invasion into their lives by the court system? i feel like... a heel. a burden. an annoyance.
but now, for the first time, i am starting to lose my hope that my mother is ever going to be hospitalized. every day that goes by makes me feel like she is lost for ever. that she will never be medicated. that she will never be in my life as a mother ought to be. (but didn't i really know that deep down all along?)
having a mentally ill parent is endless grieving. grieving for yourself, and grieving for the incomplete loss of a parent.
and now i have to worry about my brother, and the potential disasters that could happen at this wedding. he will spend his entire wedding worrying about his mother. she could just sit and not cause any problems. but it's not likely. she could start a situation with me - yell at me, curse me out, etc. she could start a situation with someone else. the police could come. my future sister-in-law could be made to feel upset, or uncomfortable. there are so many possible negatives, and the only positive is that my brother would have his "mom" there.
everything is so complicated. and all i want is to find a really wonderful therapist to talk all of this out with in person. cry with. someone to answer my thoughts back with some insight. because while i have come to rely on this blog to air out my thoughts, and it brings me some peace, it is not helping me deal with the situation or the emotional scars that run so deeply.
i am emotionally raw, and my seams are showing.
Your words are profoundly honest and real...as a daughter of a mentally ill mother myself, I honor where you are. Our souls came in stronger than most, we children of these parents. We are a silent type of warrior; our anger is often misplaced, our loyalty is often misplaced and our love is often left unfulfilled. I encourage you to look towards support in the form of a counselor or therapist who can help navigate the murky waters and help witness your sacred journey. Heal yourself and watch all those around you do one of two things: become so attracted to your health and balance that they practically sit in your lap or so repelled by your wellness that they run from you, seeing their own flaws in your wellbeing.
ReplyDeleteBlessings on your journey,
Renee Starr