group session for january

last night was my second time at the "kids of crazy parents" meeting. that's what i call it. so much easier than saying "adult children of the mentally ill." just paraphrase it so normal people understand what you're talking about.

there's something about this group of women that unravels me in good ways, and bad. These women are twice my age, and each has such a different story than mine. But then there are the threads that keep coming up for all of us. We all have these similar fears, and pitfalls, and shortcomings, and patterns.

i wish i could put into adequate words how much it meant to me to find real people in the world who i can truly relate to about my mother. perhaps i'm replacing the closeness i had with my brother with strangers, but the fact of the matter is that these women understand on a level that i've never experienced before. and i've spent a total of 4 hours with them. that's it. those 4 hours were enough to bring a sense of kinship so strong that it leaves me feeling stronger and more validated than i ever have before.

all the sharing, and reliving old fears, took their toll today at work. i was mostly a basket case. i continue to derail and belittle myself in every situation at work, and my super-demanding boss is not letting up on me, even after i tell her how fragile i am.

i wish i could have six months off. six months paid to go and take care of myself the way i should. if i didn't work 50 hours a week, i'd go to the gym more often. i'd try to fix some of the damage. i'd find a therapist. but my job prevents me from doing little more than sleep and eat in the hours between my shifts.

i love my job. but lately i wonder if it is an enabler in my poor choice of lifestyle.