helluva week.

i'm sorry it's been a while. i am trying to write more often, because my life usually seems to need some perspective.

but writing this week would have been almost inadvisable. it was filled with so much tragedy and sadness. my friend's brother went missing last weekend while surfing. it took 5 days to find his body 20 miles away. the whole thing was so unbelievably awful. he was the nicest person. only married a few years. genuinely wonderful 30-something with a full life to live. i spent the entire week just refreshing information pages on the search - desperately wanting to see a headline like "miracle! found!" but in my heart, i knew that surfing accidents like that rarely turn out well.

the whole thing just affected me more than it probably should have. and after a week of reflecting, i think i know why.

all i can think about is MY brother. what i would have done if it had been my brother that went missing. if he had died. i swear to gd, all i want to do right at this moment is hug him. i cannot even begin to fathom how i would react to losing him, like my friend lost her brother this week. i think i would die inside. i think i would be unable to recover from the loss.

in my insomnia, i chose to read the past 5 years' worth of journal entries i had on another blog. probably also another bad idea. but the journals made some things very evident. and given how severe i think this week has been on my psyche, i need to record some of my clarity moments:

- that i have gone through some awful moments with my mother.

- that i still don't remember things that i wrote about. i black things out from my memory unconsciously.

- that my brother is still the most important relationship i have.

- that i am a survivor.

- that i am a fighter.

- that as bad as my life seems now, it really was worse 5 years ago.

- that i don't give myself enough credit, or enough of a break.

i want to give myself permission to feel ok. to accept that this quiet working life is still worth something. that it's ok to want something other than to work. that it's ok that i don't have my mother in my life. honestly. i'm better because of it.

i want to forgive myself for all the shit i put myself through. all the doubt. the self-flagellation. the constant self-negativity.

i just want to keep moving on, moving forward... and stop looking back to wonder what mistakes i've made. even in their darkest moments, they were never mistakes. because here i am.

come again?

received a letter from mom today. its written clearly. to the point. almost lucid. she is not coming to visit me, because her therapist has advised her not to. she understands that i have not "invited her" back into my life.

see, it's this kind of nonsense that makes me so angry all the time. i wish she would just stay in crazyland so that i know how to react. but this kind of letter makes me feel nothing but shit. guilty. horrible.

but oh so relieved.

this is... me??

so is this the happy place? the place mentally where i feel ready to take on the world and my own demons? there has been such a fundamental change in me over the past few months. the anxiety i was facing the other week has mellowed, and i've been feeling... dare i say it... content. i went to the beach on monday and went in the water for the first time in over 10 years. i have always hated my body. hated people looking at me. it's a language of self-hate that i have expressed here, and that i have spoken to myself since i was in middle school. but something on monday strengthened me to give myself permission to enjoy myself. something inside just said, "fuck everyone - go frolic like a dolphin." it was AMAZING. i was in the water for an hour, dried off laying in the sun, and finished the night with an impromptu bbq at a friend's house. all the self-love, and the enjoyment, gave me the most wonderful feeling of relaxation at work the next day. nothing could bug me.

i mean, who am i??? this isn't me talking, is it? i'm not used to this. but i'd like to be!

for the first time in a long time, i really believe that i am putting together all the little pieces of myself that were smashed to bits when my mother fell apart. i really feel like i could conquer anything that comes my way - not only conquer it, but be at peace with the way i handle it.

maybe i'm just growing up? or coming to terms with my mother's illness? either way, i truly believe that my healing is continuing.