Compliments are hard to hear.

This work thing is throwing me off more than anything. I was given a compliment by someone today that really meant something. I respect the hell out of this person, and she said something that almost made me cry.

When did the approval of others come to mean more than my own opinion? It seems that lately, all I ever do is require others to validate me. Make me feel more together. Put me back together. My self confidence and anxiety is bordering on crippling. It makes me needy, constantly seeking attention from others just to feel ok... What an annoyance I feel like sometimes. Like I'm abusing my friendships. Like I'm tooting my own horn all the time, just to get someone to say "awesome job," or "you're the best."

I don't know when it really started. But I do now that without this validation - this current need for positive affirmation - I spiral uncontrollably into a litany of self-hatred and loathing. Anxiety. Failure. And then I self-destruct.

So when this woman said this amazing compliment - unprovoked, unhinted for - it caught me completely off guard, and completely uncomfortable. Embarrassed even. Like I wanted to shout back, "no, please don't say that. It's not true." But I want it to be true.

Am I alone in this?

I wish that I hadn't been programmed so early to be a ridiculous overachiever. It would have helped, I think.

Oh c'mon...!

I'm trying to figure out what happened. I was feeling secure. I was feeling ready to tackle the world. And then some stuff came up this week. My ex came to town. My computer broke. And my company restructured, resulting in my "demotion". What the eff?

Let's start with my ex. I've loved him since I was 12. Always have. Always will. I ran away to an all-girls college just to make sure no one broke my heart the way he did. He moved away after college, but he comes home to his mom every year. In a sloppy drunken mess of a night this weekend, I told his mom that I still love her son. Her answer broke my heart. "Don't you think I tried??", she said. I hugged her. It's hopeless. But I drank all that Jameson just to deal with the evening. Healthy reaction, right?

My computer broke. I don't have the money for a new one. Thank god I have an iPad. But it's a poor substitute for a real keypad.

And I lost my title at work. Everyone at my "level" got moved to the pool below but didn't lose any pay, and were told we are still next in line for promotions. I am heartbroken. For the first time in forever, I am suddenly doubting the company I have loved for so long. I feel like all the work I did was for nothing. That it meant nothing. That I am irrelevant.

In my heart I know that I am. But it still hurts. And it makes me feel like shit.

All of this makes my decision go move closer to my brother seem that much more important, and the right choice. I need to detach from work. I need to work on my happiness outside of work. I need to put my needs first because obviously, my company doesn't really appreciate me at all. I still seek validation from outside forces, instead of from within.

And I received another letter from mom. She said she's coming to my front door. Best part? She signed it, "regards, 'mother'"! Hahahah. At least I can laugh at that now.

Oy. I need a vacation.