This work thing is throwing me off more than anything. I was given a compliment by someone today that really meant something. I respect the hell out of this person, and she said something that almost made me cry.
When did the approval of others come to mean more than my own opinion? It seems that lately, all I ever do is require others to validate me. Make me feel more together. Put me back together. My self confidence and anxiety is bordering on crippling. It makes me needy, constantly seeking attention from others just to feel ok... What an annoyance I feel like sometimes. Like I'm abusing my friendships. Like I'm tooting my own horn all the time, just to get someone to say "awesome job," or "you're the best."
I don't know when it really started. But I do now that without this validation - this current need for positive affirmation - I spiral uncontrollably into a litany of self-hatred and loathing. Anxiety. Failure. And then I self-destruct.
So when this woman said this amazing compliment - unprovoked, unhinted for - it caught me completely off guard, and completely uncomfortable. Embarrassed even. Like I wanted to shout back, "no, please don't say that. It's not true." But I want it to be true.
Am I alone in this?
I wish that I hadn't been programmed so early to be a ridiculous overachiever. It would have helped, I think.
I completely understand the difficulty receiving complements. I am now(at 40) beginning to accept and receive complements. However, I do have a hard time receiving them from family members because they have hurt me. On the other hand, complements and encouragement from my DBT group and my therapist mean a great deal to me. I have been where you are, but somewhere along the line I was able to give up the approval thing. I wish I could be more help. Hang in there.
ReplyDeletethat happens to me too! it's like i can't handle someone being nice to me. but then again, i cant handle them being mean either.
ReplyDeleteI commented on your first post, but realized that you might not read that one right away.
ReplyDeleteAccepting compliments is hard, especially with your background. I applaud you for even recognizing this in yourself and wish you the best in your struggle to overcome this. "Knowing is half the battle," they say.
Sincerely,
CJ @ somethingtochase.com
My mother has mental illness and i had the same problems when people complimented me i always felt i was not good enough and aimed to please her contstantly, it was like walking on egg shells. You learn to accept compliments slowly, its taken me years but i dont always believe people straight away i need to go away and process it all.
ReplyDeleteI just found this site i have felt so alone for years with no one to talk to.I felt as though no one could possibly be going through what i have been going through all my life. My mother does not talk to me she hates everyone. Everyone is stealing from her etc and she has no friends as she cannot keep relationships with anyone. She is not happy unless she makes everyone unhappy.