coming out of it

I've been thinking a lot lately. I used to fear becoming my mother. I used to worry that admitting I had cycles of depression meant that I was in danger of becoming her... but watching my own life for the past 3 weeks, and all the positivity that has been in it, I think it's something else.

I think I have post traumatic stress disorder. I think I've been suffering under it for 6 years. Why else would I now feel so in control? So happy and joyous and hopeful? This is the place where I used to wonder if it was a manic phase. If it was the other half of the shoe that kept cycling up and down with the depression. But this feels different this time. As if I've forgiven something and moved on, and reclaiming the little pieces of myself that have been missing for so long.

Maybe I don't need some kind of label on the last few years. I should just enjoy this, and keep working on it. But there is a feeling of freedom in my heart that I can't remember having in a very, very long time. I love this feeling more than I could ever describe in words.