"i have been trying to reconnect with you. i hope i have reached you at this address. you know i care a great deal about my daughter, and i welcome you to visit with open arms. why have you stayed away so long? we always had a trusting affectionate relationship! i did not know which address, so i am sending this letter to all of them. please write, phone or email me before i visit so i know you are okay. [contact info edited out.] the trip to visit me is only 6 hours away. let's meet this winter! i'll be praying for you. love, mommy."
what is sad is that no, i don't want to contact her. i don't want to write, or call. i don't want to visit her, or see her. but in the same breath, i will say it was good to see her send something so i know she is alive. how do i balance out these feelings? it worries me to see her say things like "before i visit..." it gets my anxiety up immediately. but reading between the lines, it sounds like she is too tired or too poor to make the trip. phew. how will this end when i am 16 hours further from her than i am now?
what is the end point for all of this?
Thanks for writing your blog. I'm not sure there is ever an end point. I stopped all contact with my mum after my wedding when she made my new husband cry, showed up drunk and overly medicated to the dinner with my new in laws (who flew to the US from the UK for a week to visit), walked out of the wedding and that was just in two days! Of course her behavior was all my fault again - she is bipolar and has borderline personality disorder and has a penchant for self medication and drinking.
ReplyDeleteIt is funny I could always take all the craziness when it was directed at me but when she hurt my new family I just snapped and said enough is enough. I am still working on the not feeling guilty and constantly worrying about her and is she ok.
That was 2 years ago but it is getting better. I just focus on my husband and now that I live in a new city trying to make some friends. I have gotten much better at talking with people and not feeling like I am so different or that everyone I meet thinks I am strange. The point is I do see things slowly getting better where I feel like I have control of my own life. I just had my 28th birthday and it is the first time I have ever felt almost free of the past 20 years. I guess the best option is to have hope and hold your ground and have the life you want not the one she wants you too.