august rush.

somehow, this month has flown by. every week has been a steady routine of work, going to therapy, going to weight watchers meetings, sleeping... a steady routine designed to keep me busy and distracted from the fact that i still haven't made any real friends here. distracted from the fact that my career is at a standstill as a result of moving, and all the progress and status i had built in my last region means nothing in my new one. my job leaves me frustrated and pissed off. my personal life leaves me lonely. and i have caught myself more than once wondering if moving here was really worth it. to sacrifice my friends. my career path. my family.

on the other hand:

since moving, i've paid off a credit card. lost 14 pounds. spend my weekends volunteering at the aquarium. see my brother and his wife a few times a month. come to better understanding of what my company is really looking for nowadays. found a therapist that is helping me to divorce myself from my job and come to terms with the fact that i've been alone for so long because on a fundamental level, i needed the distance from the world.

like anything else, moving here was a gamble. i have to wait for the long-term payout, because the short term is almost unbearable. in the meantime, this month rushed by. the next few will be even faster with the holidays approaching. eventually, i'll meet some people, right? right.

haven't heard a peep from my mother. i almost forget to think about her... is that weird? out of nowhere, i'll catch myself thinking about her for the first time in days, and i think it means i'm truly healing. truly.

positivity is addictive.

the therapist must be helping more than i realized. i am feeling so passionately positive lately. sure, the work thing is still irritating me. i'm still worried i'll never meet someone. but i feel like i'm really living much better than i used to. cooking. cleaning the house. getting the car fixed before it breaks down. little tiny things that make me feel more in control of my own life. like i'm finding some kind of rhythm to it.

my brother received a letter from our mother - addressed to both of us at his house. i wish i could get the us post office to keep my address hidden. how else could she know where i am? :/ i had a dream this week that she died. she's now 61. it's certainly possible that i might have to deal with that in the next 10 years. or 20. or 30. i have no idea why the thought has been so prevalent this week, but i guess something deep down is worrying me. i'm going to shake it off for now. keep the positivity going. keep the focus on me, and my life.