packing.

i promised myself that anything in this house that made me unhappy would not be brought to the new house. but there are things here that i am finding that make me think of my mother. i have photos, letters, scarves she knit for me... an entire file folder containing all the paperwork i collected over the years detailing her jail time, her weird letters, her painful self-narratives...

just how much am i willing to purge? and why do i keep holding on to these things?

in the back of my head, all the letters, the records, the photos, are things that i could someday show to her social worker, or therapist. i am saving them for future use.

but i've sworn there is no future.

so why am i keeping them?

the logical answer, i suppose, is that i still hope for her to get better. to allow me to help her. and in all honesty, it seems i still want that. otherwise, all this shit would be in the garbage.

finally, some forward motion.

i'm moving south in 3 weeks. let me say it again, just so it sinks in...

I'M. MOVING. SOUTH.

the decision's been made, the lease has been signed, and i'll be about 30 minutes away from my brother in just a few short weeks. oh happy happy happy!

for those of you that have been reading this blog for a while, you know that this is a huge deal for me. for those that are just getting to know me, well... this is the beginning of change. of action. of finally admitting what it is that i want in my own life, with my mother and her illness the last thing i'm worried about. it feels like freedom and liberation. it feels like all the trauma of losing my mother to her illness is starting to ease up, and i can finally stop the self-punishment and isolation that have given me the ability to survive it.

it also means that i had to say goodbye to my support group here. there's only 6 of us in the group, so leaving means that a piece of the family is going away. i tried to explain to them how important they were to me, how grateful i was that there was a group of people in my real life that i could be completely honest with, and who could witness my emotional growth and healing over the past two years. i know that what came out of my mouth was inadequate to say all of that. i wish every one of us - every child of a mentally ill parent - has the chance to be a part of a group like that. the self-acceptance and healing power of a group of individuals that grew up the same way, with the same kind of fears and struggles and storylines, is immeasurable. my secret wish is, and will always be, to start a national organization for us children of the mentally ill. but i think i would settle for starting a group like the one i've been a part of in my new community.

moving is always such a stress. but this time, i'm purging. i refuse to bring everything i own down to atlanta, to start over with all the same baggage. anything in this apartment that makes me unhappy, that causes me stress, is going away. it's not coming with me. the only things i want to bring are the things that make me myself. that define me. that bring joy and peace.

i can't wait. oh, i can't wait. bring on the change!!!!! i'm positively starved for it.