the boy, and self-parenting.

he brought me lunch today. and a box of chocolate-covered strawberries for valentine's day. sweetest thing done for me in a long, long time.

why do i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop? why do i keep waiting to hear him say it's not working for him? why do i keep expecting the texts to stop coming? why can't i just be happy, and enjoy this? i'm so incredibly good at the self-sabotage.

my therapist pointed out that i'm quick to really berate myself in this kind of situation - that i call myself all kinds of names. i tell myself all kinds of terrible, awful things - that i'm fat. i'm ugly. i'm unloveable. no one could possibly ever want me. that my body is ugly and disgusting.

her plan to combat this is pretty simple - her question was, would i say those things to my 16-year-old cousin if she met a boy like this one? would i say it to my goddaughter when she's a bit older? are these the things i would say to any young woman i know in this situation?

no, no of course not. they're awful things to say, and they're not even remotely true.

i am such a terrible parent to myself. the fact is that yes, i am a mother to myself. i've been a mother to myself for years and years now. and when i open my mouth, only the negative things come out. like my mother screaming that i'm not her child, and i'm terrible, and i used to be a sweet, beautiful child that she doesn't recognize anymore. when i open my mouth, all that comes out is my mother's cruelty.

i have to be a better parent to myself. this is going to take a lot of practice. and patience. and constant redirection. it's going to be exhausting.

but it'll be worth it. i don't want to sabotage myself in this relationship... he's such a nice guy. it'd be a terrible waste to let it falter because of my own insecurities and baggage.

love, and more love.

so much has happened in the last few weeks. it's been such an amazing time in my life... so much happiness that it feels like someone else's.

my niece was born last week. this beautiful, perfect little baby came into the world and i fell in love in such a new way. holding her makes me feel like a new person. like i can do anything. have anything. be anything. there is a new sense of responsibility for me. after she was born, her parents gave me the key to their house to take a nap and go back to the hospital later in the day for dinner... and i couldn't keep myself from going into her nursery, falling on the floor, and praying. pouring my heart out to the g-d i love, and thanking him for her safe delivery, and asking him to bless her life and keep her from harm. keep her from the hurt of my mother. i haven't felt close to g-d in a long time, but she brought it out in me. i promised i would protect her. that i would always be there for her. that i would die for her.

holding that baby in my arms makes me feel like my life no longer belongs to me. that my life is small and important at the same time. and that all i really want to do with this life, in this world, is have a child of my own someday.

which brings me to the boy. i don't know what to call him, because we haven't really talked about what our relationship actually is. but he's amazing, and sexy, and seems to like me for no reason that i can see.  i've had someone say goodnight every day for weeks. i've had someone actually like the size of my ass. it's weird, and new, and strange, and makes me feel insecure in a whole new way. i'm trying to stay brave and just enjoy this for now... i'm trying to keep my awful demons inside and not let them ruin this for me. but i know it's only a matter of time before they get the best of me, and i become a raging, jealous, needy little girl. i'm hoping  i can keep it at bay. i'm hoping he isn't going to turn and run if he sees the real me... because i'm kinda crazy about him. and i've been waiting too long for someone like him.

it's going to be a long session with the therapist this week.