he brought me lunch today. and a box of chocolate-covered strawberries for valentine's day. sweetest thing done for me in a long, long time.
why do i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop? why do i keep waiting to hear him say it's not working for him? why do i keep expecting the texts to stop coming? why can't i just be happy, and enjoy this? i'm so incredibly good at the self-sabotage.
my therapist pointed out that i'm quick to really berate myself in this kind of situation - that i call myself all kinds of names. i tell myself all kinds of terrible, awful things - that i'm fat. i'm ugly. i'm unloveable. no one could possibly ever want me. that my body is ugly and disgusting.
her plan to combat this is pretty simple - her question was, would i say those things to my 16-year-old cousin if she met a boy like this one? would i say it to my goddaughter when she's a bit older? are these the things i would say to any young woman i know in this situation?
no, no of course not. they're awful things to say, and they're not even remotely true.
i am such a terrible parent to myself. the fact is that yes, i am a mother to myself. i've been a mother to myself for years and years now. and when i open my mouth, only the negative things come out. like my mother screaming that i'm not her child, and i'm terrible, and i used to be a sweet, beautiful child that she doesn't recognize anymore. when i open my mouth, all that comes out is my mother's cruelty.
i have to be a better parent to myself. this is going to take a lot of practice. and patience. and constant redirection. it's going to be exhausting.
but it'll be worth it. i don't want to sabotage myself in this relationship... he's such a nice guy. it'd be a terrible waste to let it falter because of my own insecurities and baggage.
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