forward motion of a sort.

the last few months have been a roller coaster. i wanted to write a post a few times, started, and then gave up half way through. 

my mother got my phone number somehow. i've changed my number at least 4 times on her, and this was the longest i'd been able to go without changing it again. it's been at least 5 years. silence, beautiful silence, from her. the letters would show up every once in a while, courtesy of whatever google search she did and my public address records, but those have been easy enough to ignore. just throw them in the "mom" folder in my files and move on. phone calls are different. they're instantaneous. you have to make a quick decision to either answer or ignore. or worse - let it keep on ringing. you know she's alive, right there. right at the other end of the line. you want to pick it up, but there are only two ways this confrontation would go. you'll scream and hang up, or you'll listen and wish you hadn't. it's a fixed hand to make you feel like shit either way. 

this all played out in my mind, but i just switched the phone to silent and let my heart speed up a bit. i sat in my car and just breathed in and out for a moment. and then decided to listen to the voicemail she inevitably left.

transcription: "um, this is someone who loves you [angry tone.] it would be nice to hear your voice. call me back. bye."

all and any sympathy i felt was gone. once again, i felt right in my conviction to cut her out of my life. this angry, crazy character is someone that i don't have to interact with. this woman is not the mother i loved so early in life. she is a specter. a shadow. a poisonous apple.

i managed to not cry or scream. i calmly called my uncle and father to see if they had given her my number. after all, i'm unlisted and registered with the "do not call" service for telemarketers and promotional calls. i've got a suspicion that her sister, who i don't talk to, is the one who gave her the number, but i don't feel like confronting her. i don't feel like wasting the energy. 

in the past two months, my mother has called my phone exactly twice. i saved the number to my cell as "psycho bitch." it made me feel better. i haven't changed the number yet, but i'm contemplating it. as my brother pointed out, i don't have to listen to the messages. i can delete them. but it's the nagging presence of *her* - visible, audible - that i don't want. maybe it's childish, or unrealistic. i simply don't even want the reminder that she's there, and still so unreachable.

as far as the rest of life is concerned, i'm feeling extraordinarily alone and forgotten in the world. i'm tired of having no one around. i'm tired of only seeing my brother and his family as social outings. i haven't made a solitary friend here, other than coworkers, and it's hurting my soul. not even one person to call and see a movie with. how sad. how pathetic. 

i'm tired of bullshit at work. i'm tired of being lonely. i don't know what to do with myself next. 

i guess i'll start over somehow. hit the reset button. climb tooth and nail out of a depressive funk until all i see is sun and cloudless sky.