"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of Chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."
— The Holiday
It's 2:30 am&I just found this gem of a blog. I've been reading it for what feels like an hour and a half now. In bouts of sadness and hopelessness with my mother (my only parent and I have no siblings) I search desperately for people who have mothers who are mentally ill.I've edited&realized that my post is long. So, if you read anything at all just read this; I'd just like you to know that you should keep writing on here. Don't stop. It's wonderful to know that others are going through the same thing.I feel much less alone now even if I am just staring at words from a computer monitor.Thank you.I'm 20&it's been a difficult life thus far.My father left when I was one and plenty of other men left thereafter. From the beginning,I remember my mother yelling, breaking things, lashing out in anger.I remember moving more than 15 times.I once sat in my mother's car amidst a manic episode&wrote down all the apartments in which we lived 30.Make it around 32 to date.We just moved again&with every move comes a state of anarchy&chaos with my mother.For the past week she says she must drink alcohol to cope with moving."I'm floating,the only way I could continue to move this stuff is by drinking."Nearly half a bottle of whiskey later she wanted to pick up a knife to cut somefood for herself.She could barely walk&she wanted to pick up a knife.I asked her to put it down, that I would cut her food for her; she fought me all the while stumbling& slurring her words.The next thing I know I was pinned to the bed&being pushed&shoved.But I was relieved because we were out of the kitchen&the knife was out of her hands she wasn't going to cut herself since I diverted the situation.And her safety was all that mattered at the moment.
ReplyDeleteContinuation: A month ago while sober she threatened to kill me while pinning me to a bag of dirty laundry.She then punched me repeatedly&I was left with immediate bruising.I didn't even know that could happen on an arm.But I knew it could happen on my forehead because when I was 15 she threw a cell phone at my head while she was driving all because she claimed it was my fault for her getting lost.But, I later found out after lying to the doctor that I had run into pole that a bruise of that magnitude on my forehead was called a contusion.A year&a half ago,she nearly stabbed me with a metal chopstick, and I left for two weeks until she manipulated me to come back and I did.And now I stand in the same position I was 18 months ago;being threatened, verbally abused,and getting hit&nearly battered on a monthly basis.I wonder why I'm here, taking all of this abuse.And as tears well up in my eyes I think that it may be because my family is so disconnected and that as a result I have nowhere else to go.And then another part of me feels guilty for thinking about leaving her and that if I leave she'll be utterly alone, with no family to call her own because the family is terrified of her.I feel like I'm the only one who could be a companion to her.She refuses to take medication and has stopped going to see her therapist, she has no friends and is on disability.But then,I feel as though everyday that I'm here my happiness is drained from me&that I'm not the same person I was 3 years ago everything is becoming grimmer and grimmer.And I feel like her emotionally tolling episodes and erratic phases are going to be what I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life.A large part of me wants to go against this,to just leave forever but she doesn't let me.Her manipulativeness just keeps me here.I feel like I'm in a cage being tortured by her and there's no one to help me cope.I'm going off to college in a month not even a mile from my home and I'm dorming.She makes me feel guilty for going;like I'm abandoning her or something.She thinks I'm going to "lose myself and be a slave to a man".Ijust hope that I could have some independence and begin my own life apart from her. Even if my dorm is only in the next town.I guess I'll just take small steps to eventually move away from her.I hope I can do it;my well-being is at risk.
ReplyDeletei realize it's been a while since you wrote me, but i wanted to answer you so you know that you are never alone in this. i am still committed to writing here. it is so hard to read your comments without painfully remembering so many of my own experiences with my mother. i'm so proud of you for going to school and taking the chance on dorming. in my own personal experience, college was the first time and place in my life where i started to understand boundaries between my mother and i. i had allowed her total access to my life - she called whenever and however many times she wanted. she would dominate my thoughts and actions. i was always scared, and felt guilty, and worried constantly she would kill herself if i didn't placate her. college was the first time i found a counselor for myself. it was hard to go, and the first time i went i cried for what seemed like hours... but over the weeks and months, she helped me understand that boundaries were on my own terms - that they were how far i allowed someone to come into my space. boundaries are where you draw the line to your own personal space. i believe that you have the right to live your own life, and to live it without fear of abuse. the most wonderful part of turning 18 is that your parents have no control legally. (my mother didn't contribute a cent to my education.) i sincerely hope you are doing well, having a happy holiday, and i'm here for you anytime you need!
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