a huge, colossal, FUCK YOU MOM

**please excuse all my expletives. i'm a little fired up tonight.**

well, it was only a matter of time, i suppose. i was at work when my coworker said i had a phone call. surprise, surprise - a police officer from the city where my mother is currently living was on the other line. she asked if i had a moment to talk, and i think i laughed out something about my mother. i put her on hold so i could find a non-public place to actually have the conversation. i think she asked if i knew why she was calling, and sounded genuinely surprised that i already knew what it was about.

there was a moment - a split second - where i started to cry. my assistant caught it and asked if i was ok. i said yes, and said i might need a longer lunch break. ha.

the cop said something like, "so we received a call from your mother, that she hasn't had contact since 2006?" i responded, "you know she's mentally ill, right?" no, she didn't. she had no understanding of what the situation was. you would think that after so many years of annoying the local/state authorities that they'd have some kind of dossier or file on her, but apparently this woman was trying to "do the right thing" by calling. i told her i was 31 years old, and could decide if i wanted contact with my mother or not.

i said a lot of things to her, because she really didn't get it.

i hate, HATE, having to constantly explain this to people. i HATE that i have to constantly "make" people understand why i don't want my mother in my life. i HATE that people who don't know what it's like to live without her JUDGE me for WHY i don't include her in my life.

at the end of the day, i am the one who has to deal with this. alone. i don't need patronizing police officers questioning my motives or reasons.

the officer was kind enough to tell me how she found my work number, after so many years of believing my mother had no idea where i was. seems she had a good enough idea, because the cop did some actual detective work to get to me. i'm a fool for ever thinking that blocking her number on my cell phone and blocking her on Facebook would ever be enough to keep her out.

she sent a letter to me this week saying the police had told her i didn't want contact but was alive and well. i could scream at that officer. why did she have to say ANYTHING????? WHY CAN'T THEY EVER MIND THEIR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS?

my mother's letter had it's own charming moments. would you like a quote? "i can see no reasons for your hard heart in past years other than a reluctance to sea with future burdens like an elderly disabled mom. i did not raise you both to be that way. i regret not instilling the values into your hearts which would lead to perpetual love shared between family members. i will apologize for any wrongs you feel i committed which you never stated or discussed with me. you have both disappointed me deeply. i wish you good luck and future happiness alone. we make our choices. i hope you live well with yours. i just gave birth to you, like a cow, i suppose."

may i take this moment, here and now, to issue a colossal FUCK YOU to my mother. this is the last letter i read from her. officially. OFFICIALLY. i am done being guilt-tripped, harassed, intruded upon, or made to feel like i'm a piece of shit.

i will NOT let her reduce me to rubble again. life is hard enough as it is. pulling myself together over the past ten years was hard enough. i'm not going through this again, no matter what kind of colorful language she uses.

i'm saying again to the void: fuck you, mom. FUCK YOU.