future

going to visit the brother was needed. it felt so good to be somewhere else. in the middle of someone else's family. we talked about what would happen in the future. he is the only family member still talking to her now. apparently she applied for disability and got it. i wonder what kind of disability she claimed to have. so maybe my wish will not come true. maybe she will not check herself into a hospital out of desperation. maybe this situation will never resolve itself.

i feel knocked down.

visiting the lil bro

i'm heading down to visit my brother in the morning. i need it. i've felt like a depressed fuck for the past few weeks. rarely getting out of bed on my days off. not calling friends. eating everything in the fridge. this is never a good sign. i wound up hysterical on the phone with the brother two weeks ago, blabbering on about how much i hate myself and the newly decided fate that i would be alone my entire life.

i know what's really talking.

but when i go down to see him, i'm hoping we can talk about mom a bit. he's getting married next summer, and i'm not sure how it's going to be to have her at the wedding. yes, it's far in the future. yes, it doesn't really matter right this second. but i'm anxious about it already.