ok. i stopped bitching and whining. i took a good look at myself two weeks ago, and shored up every resource i had, and made some changes. i don't know where all the optimism came from, but it was there, all of a sudden. crystal clear and magnificent.
and this voice in my head: "you have the strength for this. if you have the strength for your mother, you have the strength for this."
why shouldn't i be happy? i deserve it!
I wish you well all the way from Ireland
ReplyDeleteYour story sounds similar to mine, though I'm older than you. My parents have been divorced since 1980. My dad called me tonight to tell me about the crazy call my mom just made to him. I won't be answering my phone tonight if she calls. The crazy calls usually come in groups.
ReplyDeleteMy mom has been getting more and more mentally ill since about 1990.
I made a decision a few months ago to not see her in person anymore. Most of the time I don't answer the phone when she calls. I don't want my daughter to see her.
I understand your despair. I've felt it my whole life. I've learned to be happier, though, just in the last few years. First off, I walk at least a couple of miles several times a week. Exercise is better than any antidepressant. Secondly, I take fish oil supplements (those omega 3s are good for the brain) and calcium + vitamin D supplements. (Again, recent research shows that most of us are vitamin D deficient and this causes depression.)
You are a beautiful girl. Stop it with the fat stuff, seriously! You have to divorce yourself from your toxic mom and give yourself permission to be happy. You are worth it!
I totally get the Mother's Day thing. This year was the first year that I didn't call her or take her out to Red Lobster. :) I felt guilty for days. I've learned, though, that I'm not a mental health professional and I just don't know how to deal with her any more.
Good luck!