mother's day hurts

this month has been hard. particularly hard. my job is still interfering with my life, and my general state of mind. i can't seem to get from one day to the next without crying at some point. this is not good. i am not ok.

with all the unhappiness at work, it's now becoming increasingly obvious to me that i am so very, very unhappy in life. i told my group of ladies last night that i felt like i was stagnant, running in circles, and too lazy to change anything. i said, "i wish i was in the mood for healing." because honestly, my entire week means surviving from one weekend to the next.

and in the middle of all this, "woe is me," fucking mother's day is coming. this is mother's day #4 without a mother. usually, this holiday would revolve around seeing my grandmother. she spent so much time as my substitute that i know in my heart she is part mother to me as well. but i am working on mother's day. seeing mothers and kids together. and i'm going to lose it a little bit.

sunday will be the kind of day that i want to curl into a ball and drink a bottle of jameson. i'd like to forget all about it. and yes, i know it's a made-up, hallmark holiday, but it still hurts. a dull, slow pain in my heart.

even now, i feel like crying.

something's gotta give.