i held one of my employees in my arms today for 30 minutes because she was crying, and having a panic attack. part of my job is to nurture others and help them become better people through their job. i love the work i do, and the people i work with.
but it seemed ironic that i was the comforter for kim today - that she needed to hug me to get through a panic episode. (i damn near cried when she sought me out after i calmed her down the first time, and whispered "can you just hold me? i'm feeling so scared.") because honestly, i was the one who really needed that hug. i'm scared of so many things.
i can't stop thinking about my mother recently. i can't stop reading her blog, and staring at an old photo of her. i am moving on with life, but i still feel an empty hole. and i'm voraciously searching out anything online that will help me feel better, or less alone in the world. i'm scared of losing my mother, which is irrational, as i've already lost her. but she's out there, somewhere, right?
Hi--I am wondering if you've ever read the book, "Daddy's Girls" by Suzanne Gold. I found it to be riveting.
ReplyDeleteRegards, Ben
This is where I am at....its nice to know I am 'normal' for a situation like ours. I just told a friend I feel like I am going crazy...I love this woman who is my mother but I don't talk to her...terrified she'll learn where I live but sad that my future kids wont have that Grandma. Scared that someone is gonna hurt her, cuz I would fight for her, but I cant let her stay with me because I am scared of her too...
ReplyDeleteyou're not "going crazy." you're going through a period of trauma that very few people can understand. stay strong, and think about what YOU need to stay strong. people like our mothers are usually good at taking care of themselves. if they're not, they will either wind up in a hospital or a jail, which both provide a roof, food, and someone watching over them. i'm not saying its right - i'm just saying that you are not the person who can save her, or ultimately help her. she has to help herself first and foremost.
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