regret.

i will admit that the anger has dissipated. after getting mom's email, i went through my "mom" folder in my email, and found some incredibly mean emails i had sent right after her breakdown. i was cruel. hurtful. hateful, even. i said things that i should not have, but i know the place they were coming from.

three years ago, she was harassing me at work. she was sending me incredibly upsetting and cryptic emails. she was interfering with my brother's life. she was leaving me to pick myself up yet again. she was jailed. she was released. i couldn't understand why she would stop the medication. i couldn't understand WHY she was choosing to be sick over being my parent. i tried to tell her so many times about the consequences of her choices. i wrote her an email that flat-out said that she would not be welcome in my life, or that of my future children, if she chose to not take medication. and rationally, i can't comprehend giving up that joy. but i am not mentally ill - she is. i have no idea what kind of thought process she has - even though i can guess at the meanings behind the bizarre letters.

i guess what i'm saying is that i feel bad about the emails i sent her all those years ago, and their tone. but i know why i sent them - i was trying to scare her "straight". i was trying to get her back on track. i was trying to protect my brother. and it didn't work. none of it worked.

what i'm saying is that i'm not as angry anymore. but i'm still determined. mostly, i just feel bad for her. i pity her.

whatever that means for now.

and one got through.

even after i block her email address, she still finds a way to get past the barricade. this is what i received today, hours into one of the worst days at work i've had in a while. the email is addressed to my father, with myself and my brother cc'ed.

possibly enough to start the novel finally? sigh.

"I apologize for emails in August which were the

result of a medication change backfire and
an attempted robbing/mugging in the park on August 28th which
caused a BP fear spike manic cycle.

The following coincidence ( I assume it is providence)has caused me
to consider filing an order of protection (do not bother) petition
here in Rochester:

1. A sister perhaps of your mother (possibly originally from
Queens County) has moved in here at Plymouth G. She calls herself
Dorothy and lives up on the 7th floor. She has some friends who
moved in too who are originally from Point Lookout apparently.
These are "Edward and Mary" There is also a daughter with a car
in her apparent 50s who lives here
2. There is some indication that as teens, my kids
visited her up here and became attached to her;
3. Also, that the first pair live up here and see her
4. There is illegal surveillance of my broadband laptop (Time Warner Cable)not wireless
5. There have been several entries into my apartment in the past year
with vandalism which was instigated
6. I believe my original son is gone and that concealed; there is
some indication he is living in Queens County NY --that's my opinion and
I have a newspaper photo taken by Ruth as proof
7.On 8/28th I was mugged and robbed at a park bench here--by a tenant's relative here probably

As such, I feel I am being targeted as a crime victim for the future
I feel strongly that my parental role has been surplanted by your mom
and she is mentally ill too
there is some reason to believe she commits criminal acts to defend herself
when threatened including libel, coercion and sabotaging my healthy career through string pulling;
in fact, my kids have been stolen de facto and brainwashed or coerced to stay away from me
(they lose eternity or some such insanity)
I feel I need a stronger protection in light of a resume of the
kinds of things which forced me to leave Nassau and take a new legal name
in fact, it is obviously coincidental that your mother is up here in my building,
neighborhood and city--and her friends back home also moved up here.

I am being very up front with you.
I am no longer a well girl.
I am retired and disabled--and chose my present course to avoid stressors or being a victim.
I very much deserve my children and my mother role is intrinsic to my psychological health and survival.

I will press a petition soon. I mean no harm or inconvenience.
I do not intend to move again for the 14th time.
The ball is in your court.

My opinion is that you should move mom into assisted living where she can be monitored by
yourself and
take over her house as her rightful power of attorney.
You should return my children to their non-brainwashed state.
You should retrieve my son and salvage him.
You should restore some form of communication between mom and kids
as beneficial--as a compassionate act as a former friend and lover of mine.

That is all until I file that petition. And on my part, I am in better shape
for September and will resist further BP emails or phone calls, which no doubt--is quite hard.

Regards,"

another email address to block. another string of paranoid hate-filled sentences that i want to forget. another moment of having to squash the urge of writing her back with angry words.

i also received another postcard from her yesterday.

this is why i was so happy when i wasn't hearing from her. it was so much easier to compartmentalize.

give me just one thing

when my heart can't take anymore sadness over my mother, it helps to have other things in my life that are not "crazy." i have a definite need to compartmentalize my life, in a certain way:

"crazy mom"

"awesome job"

"empty love life"

"amazing family"

"wonderful friends"

"talents and hobbies"

"personal self-hatred"

when the "crazy mom" piles up, i lean back on the "talents and hobbies", the "amazing family," the "wonderful friends"... but if these piles become out of whack, or weighted down to one side of the scale, everything becomes affected.

lately, the scale is tipping in the wrong direction. the mom, the job, the absence of friends, the guy who i went on two dates with but can't commit to liking enough to pursue... these things just outweigh the good, and i start to flounder. i sleep for more hours than i should. i avoid social scenes. i barricade myself behind a wall of bull. i am trying, ever so slowly, to climb out. it would be so much easier if my boss would stop being such a jerk. being unhappy outside of work always balanced with being happy at work. but this week has been such a burden.

i want one thing to go in the good direction. that would make me feel hopeful.