three years ago, she was harassing me at work. she was sending me incredibly upsetting and cryptic emails. she was interfering with my brother's life. she was leaving me to pick myself up yet again. she was jailed. she was released. i couldn't understand why she would stop the medication. i couldn't understand WHY she was choosing to be sick over being my parent. i tried to tell her so many times about the consequences of her choices. i wrote her an email that flat-out said that she would not be welcome in my life, or that of my future children, if she chose to not take medication. and rationally, i can't comprehend giving up that joy. but i am not mentally ill - she is. i have no idea what kind of thought process she has - even though i can guess at the meanings behind the bizarre letters.
i guess what i'm saying is that i feel bad about the emails i sent her all those years ago, and their tone. but i know why i sent them - i was trying to scare her "straight". i was trying to get her back on track. i was trying to protect my brother. and it didn't work. none of it worked.
what i'm saying is that i'm not as angry anymore. but i'm still determined. mostly, i just feel bad for her. i pity her.
whatever that means for now.
Your post reminds me of a realization that I made about my situation several years ago: that I 1) had to "parent" my mom to some degree when I was a kid, 2) she hasn't grown up really since then, so 3) I am still the more or less the adult in the room when we are together. This fact really pisses me off! I am mad that I didn't get to be a kid and that she can't act like a full adult now! It seems gargantuanly unfair! I think we get mad at our MI parents and expect them to be the adult, meeting our anger and helping us through it. But often they can't. It's us who have to deal with our own anger and then help them with their emotional issues because we are more mature than they are.
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Ben