yes.

it's already been a better month. i'm sleeping. i'm going home from work on time. i'm keeping the house clean. i haven't hated myself as much.

ignoring my mother's blog is the right way to go.

the only minor hiccup was 3 police officers coming to the store i manage. my first thought was, "shit. she found me. or she's dead." but all they wanted to know was whether there was a video security system in place for something that happened in the parking lot. giant sigh of relief.

a little more optimism.

since new year's, i've been sensing another change in myself. what's the saying, that you reinvent yourself every 7 years? it's probably about that time. my tone and words have been a stale record on repeat for about that long. most likely longer.

i want to think of this as the year of me. 2010 was not my year. it really wasn't any kind of year. it was a hollow, shallow, empty sort of life filled with regrets, despair, depression, and self-imposed loneliness.

it has been years now since my break with my mother. i should really try to forgive myself over parts of it. i should make that effort in an attempt at self-rescue. continuing to punish and hide myself as i have been is simply not working, and more importantly, impressively self-destructive. hiding myself away and playing to the back room is only making me feel more alone, more isolated, and more emotionally stunted than i had ever planned.

this entry feels ridiculously honest.

no. what is really holding me back from breaking free of this mental prison i have made for myself? where i hole up and read my mother's blog for absolution, for forgiveness, for any sign of her regret or indication of help? why do i continue to hold on to the hope that she will make herself well? that this will still end happily? that she will miraculously go to a hospital and come back as some small shadow of herself?

because this is comfortable. this fortress of self-hatred is so, so, very comfortable. if i had to actually work on any of these feelings, i might feel myself shift. or something shift. and who would know what feelings i would uncover then? maybe i'd forgive her. maybe i'd forget her. maybe i'd just move on with my life and stop the self-flagellation.

so i'm making this commitment here. to the people who matter. to the nameless faces of other children of the mentally ill who find something about my story familiar:

i will not read my mother's blog for the next month. at all.

i will not read my mother's blog in the hopes of seeing my name.

i will not search google for some tidings of her whereabouts.

i will throw out any letters i receive.

i will block out any emails i receive.

i will live this next month for myself, with myself, and by myself, without her voice in my head or her memory blinding my rationality.

maybe i'm being harsh, but i think it's warranted. i don't want to continue living my life as i have been. i don't want to continue beating myself up. hating myself. yelling at myself for an illness i can't fix, or a person that i can't save.

i'm breaking free this year. for my own self-worth.

happy new year...

...to all of you out there! i know someone's reading from my page count. i hope you all know that you are not alone out there.

i cannot express how much it means to me that i am not alone. that there are other people in the world who know EXACTLY what it means when you have a paranoid schizo for a mother. and who have some echo of the feelings i'm putting out there.

let this year be a good year for us - a year of healing. a year of self-help. a year of wonderful possibility and new memories. a year of peace.

that's my only resolution. a really, really positive year.