it's a girl!

i'm going to be an aunt. i've known for a while, but we found out it's a girl today. and suddenly, it seems so wonderfully real. i guess it really didn't sink in until today. i've spent the night thinking about my family - about my grandparents who've passed on, who will never know this child, and my mother, somewhere out in the void unaware of all the life that is going on without her.

i don't think i'll ever understand how she could give this up. this chance to watch my brother become a father, watch her granddaughter grow up... but we had warned her. we had warned her that not taking medication and getting herself together would leave us no choice. it's just so tragically... sad.

i'm thinking of my family, separated by distance. by time. by illness. by death. it's a gently woven tapestry of family ties and history that has frayed edges and holes in places that shouldn't be there. but even with the imperfections, it's this beautiful, warm, incandescent wonder.

i don't know how to express how happy i am without weeping. my brother and i are so lucky. we survived the worst of it. in our own ways, we are telling the story of our lives not in tragedy and tears, but strength and resilience. creating our own joys.

i can't help but cry for my mother. for the loss of her which never ends. there is joy in all this wonderfulness, but there is so much grief too. there's a hole in my heart, and in my brother's, that will make itself more apparent as the birth of this child approaches. i'm hoping that the joy will be enough to fill it for now. for now.