there has been a lack of writing lately. i find it a bit ironic that i've written so little over the two months, but received so many more comments than i'm used to receiving. there are so many of us out there in the world - all of us searching for answers, for others, for anyone on the other side of the world who understands what it's like to be the child of a mentally ill mother. i grieve for all of us. i mourn our childhoods. i celebrate our strength, and i hope for our healing.
in my life, there have been periods of time that can be clearly defined by emotions. rage. anger. depression. joy. the last few months belong to: calm. eery calm.
i'm not used to it. i don't even trust it. but the fact of the matter is that i have approached my daily life lately like someone... normal. i go to my job, and leave at the end of the day. i see my brother and his wife. i talk with friends and family on the phone. i spend days off running errands, going on hikes, getting my hair done...
it feels positively foreign.
am i finally living well? living a healthy life? is this what it feels like to not have the weight of the world on one's shoulders? is this what it feels like to go about my day, and not spend a moment of it feeling guilty about my mother, or worrying about what she's up to now?
it feels foreign. completely foreign.
i want to trust this. i want to trust that this calm will continue. but the story of my life has taught me that periods like this end, and usually abruptly. i guess i'll just continue to hope.
Thanks for your comment....I saw my mom recently but because she was sent to the hospital again...I feel like this time I had more closure I suppose....the last time it, so to speak, ended, I was so angry with her for mainly getting off her meds...but she had an amazing Doc and there was a family meeting this time...think of it just like an intervention...of course didn't go any where, didn't give her some moment where she said what am i doing! OF COURSE I'LL TAKE MY MEDS! but it ended. Thanksgiving is around the corner and I am not spending it with her. But will give it a go with my boyfriends family and his super supportive sweet mother...(dont worry not jealous) ha But I feel better....keeping a clear head, instead of drinking. And will continue to work on healing my heart and staying strong. Thanks for this....cuz until I found this and even met one other person, I did feel utterly alone.
ReplyDeleteI hope things are still calm..... eerily or not-- calm is the goal! I was just introduced to your blog by my cousin... her mom is nuts too.... she and my mother are sisters and all 4 of them are insane and live marginal lives outside of mainstream society, no work, living off the government for the most part, no friends..... not a good quality of life. we have to support each other when the women who birthed us are acting out and enjoy and celebrate the times or calm..... be well sister in arms... my cuz and I are rooting for you!
ReplyDeleteOver the past two weeks, I've been surprisingly calm and anxiety-free. It's odd. I've been worked up for so long that when I'm calm, I don't trust it.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to have connected with you!!! Your blog is giving me understanding and helping me deal with my own mother.
How can we ever deal with this or get used to it?
SC, i'm still working on that question :) I think it's the big unanswerable one. Dealing with it has to be different for each of us. For me, dealing with it means a lot of self-reflection, forgiving myself, and some kind of mental support - whether it be a support group, or a wonderful therapist. Getting used to it has taken some time. I'm still not quite used to it. But I feel less raw than I used to. That has to count for something ;)
ReplyDeleteNone of us are ever alone. So glad to have connected with you all too!
Just found your blog on a google search. I am 59 and grew up with a mentally ill mother - while she is gone now, the effects linger endlessly, don't they?
ReplyDeleteHi..This morning I stumbled across your blog. I'm a 31 yr old only that grew up in a single parent household...& my mother has yet to be diagnosed. From a very young age I knew something was wrong with my mom & the way she processed her emotions. The hurt & pain that I've endured over the yrs has snowballed into a 500 pound monkey that I can't seem to get off my back....so just like the other women that have posted...I am simply looking for community...& healing.
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