my friend's mother died

when these things happen, it's always sad. i never know quite what to say, and i'm never near where my friends are because i live so far from everyone... but this one hurts me. after her mother passed, she put up a message on Facebook that said, "hug your mothers for me, even if they're a pain in your ass."

i get what she meant. but i am not able to do that.

a coworker this week asked me about my mom. she was curious. she was appalled (or shocked?) that i couldn't remember the last time i had spoken with her. i think it was at her father's funeral, but i can't remember anymore. this coworker asked so innocently, "will you talk to her ever again? what about if she was sick or in the hospital?"

my mother's aging is something that i've thought about at times, but it leaves mixed feelings. i don't know what i would do if she were suddenly in a hospital and dead three days later, like my friend's mother. i don't know how i would react. i don't know how the ball of guilt and shame would weigh me down -- surely, it would. but i can't deal with it now.

maybe if and when the time comes, i'll know how i want to react. i'd feel so much better if i had a plan for the inevitable. but how can you plan that?

i can't hug my mother. i've already grieved for her for many, many years. the woman alive now is someone i don't know - my mother, the mother i knew and loved, is long gone. the woman alive now is a shell of the woman i loved as a child, and i don't know if i'll mourn her in quite the same way.

well, these are sad thoughts for a sunday night. for now, i will comfort my friend as best i can - without ever saying, "i know how you feel." i don't. i don't think i ever will.