i have been meditating on who i am a lot lately. i lost myself for a long time. i now recognize myself in the mirror. i may lose it in moments here and there, but overall, i am finally, finally comfortable in my own skin. i may not like everything i see, but that's just the physical stuff. the mental stuff - the emotional stuff - that, i OWN. i am proud of it. i am celebrating it.
i am who i am because of my parents. because of the family members and friends that have held my hands over the past ten years. because of my own relentless determination that i would not, could not, ever give up. i had a very deep conversation with my therapist this week, and she started to cry when i said something. we were talking about how i had overcome some really dark emotions at work, and i said, "i might not get it right, but i'll try and try over and over again until the cows come home."
she said she got emotional about it because it "sums you up so perfectly."
i will falter. i will struggle. but unlike the girl who tried desperately to keep herself together in the aftermath of her mother's abandonment, i am already together. i am able to cope, and recognize, and understand, and adjust. those abilities weren't there ten years ago.
so here i am. still under the weight of being motherless, but learning to rely on my own inner mother. i have been thinking of her a lot lately, and her own path compared to mine. by now, she was a mother. at my age, she was married with a new child, and seemingly had all the things that should've felt like fulfillment. her illness stole that. i am proud of who she was, and is. it doesn't mean i'm ready for her to be back in my life - i'm not - but i am proud to be her daughter. that isn't something i would've said ten years ago.
i'm saying it now. i am the daughter of a mentally ill woman, and i am going to be ok.
(now, if only i could make as much progress on the physical stuff.)
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