can't sleep

and couldn't tell you why. i'm all anxious over absolutely nothing and excited about everything. it's as if letting my wishes and dreams out into the void has suddenly made me... impatient. i don't want to wait a year to move. i wish i wasn't a slave to my job. i'd leave next week.

quiet happiness.

i'm here. somewhere. this summer has been a quiet happy place, and i don't want it to end. normally i can't wait for fall - the leaves, the weather, the holidays... but i have found so much strength over the past two months, i'm almost afraid that the end of the season would mean the end of this regrowth.

i received another letter from mom this week. it was forgotten almost as soon as it was read, and thrown out like yesterday's news. cannot tell you how much it means to me that i can move past her words that much more quickly than i used to.

i went to visit my brother and sister-in-law the other weekend down south. i decided while i was there that what i really want in this life now is to live closer to them. my entire energy for the next year is going to focus on getting myself moved to atlanta. i feel like this is the time - this is the moment for change. planned change, not just change that happens, or hits me by surprise. i feel like i am shouting out to the world what i actually want, as opposed to what i think i should want. does that make sense? i don't want to live here just to keep my father company, and wait for my grandmother to pass. i want to live, live, live, my own life. and i know in my heart that i don't want to live far away from my brother for any more time than necessary.

its hard to believe i could smile this much.

helluva week.

i'm sorry it's been a while. i am trying to write more often, because my life usually seems to need some perspective.

but writing this week would have been almost inadvisable. it was filled with so much tragedy and sadness. my friend's brother went missing last weekend while surfing. it took 5 days to find his body 20 miles away. the whole thing was so unbelievably awful. he was the nicest person. only married a few years. genuinely wonderful 30-something with a full life to live. i spent the entire week just refreshing information pages on the search - desperately wanting to see a headline like "miracle! found!" but in my heart, i knew that surfing accidents like that rarely turn out well.

the whole thing just affected me more than it probably should have. and after a week of reflecting, i think i know why.

all i can think about is MY brother. what i would have done if it had been my brother that went missing. if he had died. i swear to gd, all i want to do right at this moment is hug him. i cannot even begin to fathom how i would react to losing him, like my friend lost her brother this week. i think i would die inside. i think i would be unable to recover from the loss.

in my insomnia, i chose to read the past 5 years' worth of journal entries i had on another blog. probably also another bad idea. but the journals made some things very evident. and given how severe i think this week has been on my psyche, i need to record some of my clarity moments:

- that i have gone through some awful moments with my mother.

- that i still don't remember things that i wrote about. i black things out from my memory unconsciously.

- that my brother is still the most important relationship i have.

- that i am a survivor.

- that i am a fighter.

- that as bad as my life seems now, it really was worse 5 years ago.

- that i don't give myself enough credit, or enough of a break.

i want to give myself permission to feel ok. to accept that this quiet working life is still worth something. that it's ok to want something other than to work. that it's ok that i don't have my mother in my life. honestly. i'm better because of it.

i want to forgive myself for all the shit i put myself through. all the doubt. the self-flagellation. the constant self-negativity.

i just want to keep moving on, moving forward... and stop looking back to wonder what mistakes i've made. even in their darkest moments, they were never mistakes. because here i am.

come again?

received a letter from mom today. its written clearly. to the point. almost lucid. she is not coming to visit me, because her therapist has advised her not to. she understands that i have not "invited her" back into my life.

see, it's this kind of nonsense that makes me so angry all the time. i wish she would just stay in crazyland so that i know how to react. but this kind of letter makes me feel nothing but shit. guilty. horrible.

but oh so relieved.

this is... me??

so is this the happy place? the place mentally where i feel ready to take on the world and my own demons? there has been such a fundamental change in me over the past few months. the anxiety i was facing the other week has mellowed, and i've been feeling... dare i say it... content. i went to the beach on monday and went in the water for the first time in over 10 years. i have always hated my body. hated people looking at me. it's a language of self-hate that i have expressed here, and that i have spoken to myself since i was in middle school. but something on monday strengthened me to give myself permission to enjoy myself. something inside just said, "fuck everyone - go frolic like a dolphin." it was AMAZING. i was in the water for an hour, dried off laying in the sun, and finished the night with an impromptu bbq at a friend's house. all the self-love, and the enjoyment, gave me the most wonderful feeling of relaxation at work the next day. nothing could bug me.

i mean, who am i??? this isn't me talking, is it? i'm not used to this. but i'd like to be!

for the first time in a long time, i really believe that i am putting together all the little pieces of myself that were smashed to bits when my mother fell apart. i really feel like i could conquer anything that comes my way - not only conquer it, but be at peace with the way i handle it.

maybe i'm just growing up? or coming to terms with my mother's illness? either way, i truly believe that my healing is continuing.

self-flagellation never fails.

so remember i was having a "crazy" week on account of my mother's threat to show up at my door? well, as usual, i wore my heart on my sleeve at work, and my boss brought it up today.

"you're really doing great - i'm so happy you're here - but i get worried about you."

i must've looked shocked. i thought i'd been so good at hiding myself. i thought i was keeping my game face on. i should've known better. i always wear my fucking heart on my sleeve. i called my best friend for clarification - basically to ask, "do you get worried about me too?" and she gave me several points for thought, which i am going to just list here in a random order for reflection later on:

1. i need to detach from work. seriously. let go of it once i leave, and stop worrying about what i didn't get done after i'm out the door.

2. i need to monitor what i say about my private life to people who may not understand.

3. she thinks that i'm so used to being the one looked to for decisions, for the fix, for the solution to the problem, that i put myself in the role of complete responsibility in every situation. that i need to recognize that i have someone above me who is just as capable, and just as willing, to make the decisions.

4. that i shouldn't change who i am, or the emotions i show. it's why i am who i am.

5. that i am unrelentingly hard on myself. cannot forgive myself. cannot move on.

that last point seems incredibly poignant. i will reflect on this later. for now, i'm taking point #1, detaching, drinking a beer, and cleaning the bathroom. so i can take "better care of myself." (what the eff does that mean, and how do i do that??) i am seriously my own worst enemy sometimes.

good morning

i slept for ten hours and had a huge pot of coffee this morning. somehow, this makes me feel ready to tackle the world - especially my craziness from this weekend. i am stronger than this!