coming out of it

I've been thinking a lot lately. I used to fear becoming my mother. I used to worry that admitting I had cycles of depression meant that I was in danger of becoming her... but watching my own life for the past 3 weeks, and all the positivity that has been in it, I think it's something else.

I think I have post traumatic stress disorder. I think I've been suffering under it for 6 years. Why else would I now feel so in control? So happy and joyous and hopeful? This is the place where I used to wonder if it was a manic phase. If it was the other half of the shoe that kept cycling up and down with the depression. But this feels different this time. As if I've forgiven something and moved on, and reclaiming the little pieces of myself that have been missing for so long.

Maybe I don't need some kind of label on the last few years. I should just enjoy this, and keep working on it. But there is a feeling of freedom in my heart that I can't remember having in a very, very long time. I love this feeling more than I could ever describe in words.

joyous.

i am so sorry for the long hiatus. my imac has finally been returned to me with a new hard drive, thanks to the crew at apple. i was going through withdrawal! there's been so much i wanted to write about. the past few weeks have been so eventful, wonderful, but concerning all at the same time... 

2011 continues to be my year for personal growth. every week that has gone by gets better than the last... and not because my mother is in the hospital, or on medication. but because i feel like i'm healing more and more. this could all be in my head. but i don't think so. i have noticed small changes in my daily routine that were never there before. my eating habits are the simplest example. once upon a time, i ate out for almost every meal. fast food and take out were my standbys, my usuals... home cooked meals were few and far between, and most of the time, something i could microwave. slowly but surely, i've been making my own breakfast. this is HUGE for me. i wish i could convey the feeling i get in the morning now - like i have purpose, drive, and CONTROL over what i'm eating. no shame. no wishing i could take back my last choice of food, because of the inevitable stomachache or wave of nausea over consuming something that is killing me slowly.

VICTORY. that's what it feels like. victory over lack of control.

i've been celebrating by posting pictures of my dinner creations for friends and family on facebook. it makes me feel strong.

i also took a week off, and went with my closest friend to california for a week. there were too many amazing experiences to list. but the ease of living, and that wonderful feeling of the absence of anxiety have inspired me so much. i want to keep that feeling every day of my life.

the best part of this vacation, if you can call it a positive thing, is that i completely forgot my mother's 60th birthday. i mean, wow. i have dreaded every birthday and every mother's day for 6 years now. i have made it through them in the past with alcohol, or waves of guilt that i couldn't shake. but this year? this huge birthday year for my mother? i didn't even remember until my father reminded me days later. miracle. complete and utter miracle. 

this strength of character is starting to remind me of who i used to be. perhaps that's why i'm considering a career change, as well as the big move down south... maybe i'm feeling like i don't have to hide away from my life by working all the time. maybe this is the beginning of starting my life... at the tender age of almost-29. it also occurred to me that i am now less than 2 years away from the age when my mother had me... and how far i am from experiencing that same joy. i want a future. i want a happy future. i want to have my own family, my own children...

wow. it feels good to send that out into the void. i feel... joyous. full of hope. full of bravery. (for once.)

Compliments are hard to hear.

This work thing is throwing me off more than anything. I was given a compliment by someone today that really meant something. I respect the hell out of this person, and she said something that almost made me cry.

When did the approval of others come to mean more than my own opinion? It seems that lately, all I ever do is require others to validate me. Make me feel more together. Put me back together. My self confidence and anxiety is bordering on crippling. It makes me needy, constantly seeking attention from others just to feel ok... What an annoyance I feel like sometimes. Like I'm abusing my friendships. Like I'm tooting my own horn all the time, just to get someone to say "awesome job," or "you're the best."

I don't know when it really started. But I do now that without this validation - this current need for positive affirmation - I spiral uncontrollably into a litany of self-hatred and loathing. Anxiety. Failure. And then I self-destruct.

So when this woman said this amazing compliment - unprovoked, unhinted for - it caught me completely off guard, and completely uncomfortable. Embarrassed even. Like I wanted to shout back, "no, please don't say that. It's not true." But I want it to be true.

Am I alone in this?

I wish that I hadn't been programmed so early to be a ridiculous overachiever. It would have helped, I think.

Oh c'mon...!

I'm trying to figure out what happened. I was feeling secure. I was feeling ready to tackle the world. And then some stuff came up this week. My ex came to town. My computer broke. And my company restructured, resulting in my "demotion". What the eff?

Let's start with my ex. I've loved him since I was 12. Always have. Always will. I ran away to an all-girls college just to make sure no one broke my heart the way he did. He moved away after college, but he comes home to his mom every year. In a sloppy drunken mess of a night this weekend, I told his mom that I still love her son. Her answer broke my heart. "Don't you think I tried??", she said. I hugged her. It's hopeless. But I drank all that Jameson just to deal with the evening. Healthy reaction, right?

My computer broke. I don't have the money for a new one. Thank god I have an iPad. But it's a poor substitute for a real keypad.

And I lost my title at work. Everyone at my "level" got moved to the pool below but didn't lose any pay, and were told we are still next in line for promotions. I am heartbroken. For the first time in forever, I am suddenly doubting the company I have loved for so long. I feel like all the work I did was for nothing. That it meant nothing. That I am irrelevant.

In my heart I know that I am. But it still hurts. And it makes me feel like shit.

All of this makes my decision go move closer to my brother seem that much more important, and the right choice. I need to detach from work. I need to work on my happiness outside of work. I need to put my needs first because obviously, my company doesn't really appreciate me at all. I still seek validation from outside forces, instead of from within.

And I received another letter from mom. She said she's coming to my front door. Best part? She signed it, "regards, 'mother'"! Hahahah. At least I can laugh at that now.

Oy. I need a vacation.

can't sleep

and couldn't tell you why. i'm all anxious over absolutely nothing and excited about everything. it's as if letting my wishes and dreams out into the void has suddenly made me... impatient. i don't want to wait a year to move. i wish i wasn't a slave to my job. i'd leave next week.

quiet happiness.

i'm here. somewhere. this summer has been a quiet happy place, and i don't want it to end. normally i can't wait for fall - the leaves, the weather, the holidays... but i have found so much strength over the past two months, i'm almost afraid that the end of the season would mean the end of this regrowth.

i received another letter from mom this week. it was forgotten almost as soon as it was read, and thrown out like yesterday's news. cannot tell you how much it means to me that i can move past her words that much more quickly than i used to.

i went to visit my brother and sister-in-law the other weekend down south. i decided while i was there that what i really want in this life now is to live closer to them. my entire energy for the next year is going to focus on getting myself moved to atlanta. i feel like this is the time - this is the moment for change. planned change, not just change that happens, or hits me by surprise. i feel like i am shouting out to the world what i actually want, as opposed to what i think i should want. does that make sense? i don't want to live here just to keep my father company, and wait for my grandmother to pass. i want to live, live, live, my own life. and i know in my heart that i don't want to live far away from my brother for any more time than necessary.

its hard to believe i could smile this much.

helluva week.

i'm sorry it's been a while. i am trying to write more often, because my life usually seems to need some perspective.

but writing this week would have been almost inadvisable. it was filled with so much tragedy and sadness. my friend's brother went missing last weekend while surfing. it took 5 days to find his body 20 miles away. the whole thing was so unbelievably awful. he was the nicest person. only married a few years. genuinely wonderful 30-something with a full life to live. i spent the entire week just refreshing information pages on the search - desperately wanting to see a headline like "miracle! found!" but in my heart, i knew that surfing accidents like that rarely turn out well.

the whole thing just affected me more than it probably should have. and after a week of reflecting, i think i know why.

all i can think about is MY brother. what i would have done if it had been my brother that went missing. if he had died. i swear to gd, all i want to do right at this moment is hug him. i cannot even begin to fathom how i would react to losing him, like my friend lost her brother this week. i think i would die inside. i think i would be unable to recover from the loss.

in my insomnia, i chose to read the past 5 years' worth of journal entries i had on another blog. probably also another bad idea. but the journals made some things very evident. and given how severe i think this week has been on my psyche, i need to record some of my clarity moments:

- that i have gone through some awful moments with my mother.

- that i still don't remember things that i wrote about. i black things out from my memory unconsciously.

- that my brother is still the most important relationship i have.

- that i am a survivor.

- that i am a fighter.

- that as bad as my life seems now, it really was worse 5 years ago.

- that i don't give myself enough credit, or enough of a break.

i want to give myself permission to feel ok. to accept that this quiet working life is still worth something. that it's ok to want something other than to work. that it's ok that i don't have my mother in my life. honestly. i'm better because of it.

i want to forgive myself for all the shit i put myself through. all the doubt. the self-flagellation. the constant self-negativity.

i just want to keep moving on, moving forward... and stop looking back to wonder what mistakes i've made. even in their darkest moments, they were never mistakes. because here i am.