promises, promises.

tonight was actually a good break from all the living within my own head. i went to my aunt and uncle's house for dinner. (my mom's brother and his wife.) they are the only people on my mother's side that i truly feel comfortable with. i've written in previous posts about how much they have stood by me through the years - how they've never made me feel like "****'s daughter", but rather, an independent person not defined by her mother's craziness. it's amazing how that insecurity never really leaves me. my love for my uncle and aunt is very, very deep, and i'm lucky to have such an open, wonderful relationship with them. ever since my grandfather passed away, they really are the only people tying me to my mother's side. i have serious issues with my mom's sister (also in previous posts), and the rest of my mom's cousins absolutely keep their distance because of my mother. i am sure of it.

anywho... i digress.

the night was nice. we had dinner. we watched glee with my 14-year-old cousin, who pronounced it a "geek" show. i wholeheartedly agreed, but i love it anyway. we talked. we laughed. i left feeling so light. loved. full of love. fiercely proud of my family, and realizing, truly realizing for the first time in a long time that i avoid my family. i completely, utterly, hide within my job. i don't see them more often because of my "job".

the excuses need to stop. i'm living my life for all the wrong reasons. that's what it feels like.

i was listening to some extremely moody shawn colvin music on the ride home, and asked myself: "what would make you a happier person right now? what's important to get you out of this depression?" because that's what i've been doing all month. i know it. i spent last saturday just being sad. left the house because i felt like crying, and went walking in the woods. but instead, walked around the woods feeling like crying. went to work on sunday, but spent the day on the verge of tears. no explanation. no reason that i can rationally explain. i was just... sad. i didn't do the dishes. i didn't clean the house. i barely slept this week. i've just spent the past two hours online reading posts on NAMI and NNAAMI. i have to be at work 5 hours from now, which means i won't sleep AGAIN.

so i'm sad. why?

1. i feel unproductive.

2. i feel fat.

3. i feel unloveable.

4. i hate working for my boss.

i've made this list before. i've promised myself before that i would work on all of this. but i can't COMMIT to it. what's the answer? how do i fix it?

1. get help. find a counselor.

2. make a list, and break it down into manageable pieces.

3. stop tolerating my boss's abuse.

4. get out and do stuff. get active. go for a walk every day.

ENOUGH, girl. ENOUGH. you're punishing yourself.

eureka!

i am coming to slowly realize this important thing:

i think my boss reminds me slightly of my mother. that i am constantly on guard for her feelings and moods, because i am scared of an implosion. that everything i say to her is meant to either calm or keep calm. that our work relationship affects my personal life. and that i am always anxious, on a consistent daily basis, fearing the impending emotional roller coaster of the day.

after a year of wondering what it is that makes me "suck" at my job, i think this is it. i don't suck. i just work for someone who paralyzes me.

and now, how i go about fixing or improving this? other than asking for a transfer?

the book that is going to change my life

how is it possible i haven't read this one yet? "my parent's keeper: adult children of the emotionally disturbed" by eva marian brown. i read page after page, highlighting sentences whenever i feel my heart scream out, "YES! THIS IS YOU!!" and there are so many to highlight. there are some issues that don't immediately apply to me, but oh my goodness.

this is the same kind of revelation i had when i first joined my "adult children of the MI" support group, which is the one and only thing i do for "myself" every month. this is life. changing. i think to digest this properly, i'm going to have to start with a thought from the book and write out my emotional responses. i feel like this is the right course.

the first one i'm mulling over is:

"over the years, as you repeatedly experience your parent's inadequacy in responding to your feelings, and as you witness their own internal chaos, you build a life around being in control. being in control becomes the most important thing in your life; your survival depends upon it."

next entry.

identity theft

she tried to claim money that legally belongs to me using my address with her name. instead of sending in the claim, she sent it to me with a letter declaring me as "ms. millipede of more than one persona." whatever the f that means.

in the meantime, i am extraordinarily concerned that she used MY address with her name to attempt to collect an old paycheck from a former employer. an order of protection wouldn't work with this, would it? it's not harassment. and she didn't actually steal the money, so it's not theft.

but it's definitely disturbing. and extremely, extremely nervy.